


Fade

by supernaturalsuperfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Comforts Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Human Castiel in the Bunker, Kevin Ships It, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Castiel, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 25,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8842249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturalsuperfangirl/pseuds/supernaturalsuperfangirl
Summary: Being human isn't easy. Set in Season 9, after the angels fall and Cas loses his grace. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, and self harm. Lots of fluff. Eventual Destiel. (Rated T for language)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (This fanfic won't really go into the whole, "Ezekiel is really Gadreel" thing. Btw.)

Sam's eyes flashed blue, and Dean bit back a frustrated groan. Sure, he was thankful for Ezekiel. The angel had saved Castiel's life, and was keeping his brother alive. But it was freakin' weird to see the transition. He never knew when Zeke was gonna make an appearance.

"Castiel cannot stay here. He will bring the angels down on all of us."

Dean frowned. "No, he's got the Enochian tattoo. He's warded."

"He was warded when April found him, and she killed him." Ezekiel pointed out.

"Yes, and you brought him back. Thank you for that...but this is Cas, okay? Who vouched for you when I didn't know you from Jack." Dean tried not to raise his voice. "The bunker is safe."

"Bartholomew is massing a force. We cannot stand an incursion. Castiel is in danger. And if he is here, then I am in danger."

"What are you saying?"

"If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave."

Dean blinked. "But, Sam..."

"Your brother is doing much better. He is not yet healed, but his life is no longer in danger."

"So...he'll be okay without you, right? He'll get better on his own?"

"Eventually, yes."

"Can't you just stay a little longer?" Dean implored. "Just a couple weeks."

Ezekiel pursed his lips into a thin line. "Three days. I will devote all my energy to healing Sam as much as I can. But then I'm afraid I'll have to go."

"Thank you." Dean said, relieved.

The angel nodded, and the change was visible as he let Sam take control again.

"What were you saying?"

God, he was gonna get whiplash. This whole thing was trippy. "Uh, just how it's ironic that a reaper took Cas's virginity. Hey, I'm gonna go talk to him, see how he's doing. You should go lay down or something."

"I'm fine, Dean. We've been over this."

"Humor me, alright? You just got thrown into a freakin' wall. Go relax."

"Whatever." Sam rolled his eyes, but headed towards his bedroom.

Dean watched Cas for a moment before approaching. The ex-angel was basically shoveling the burrito into his mouth. Poor guy. Hunger was probably new to him. Along with everything else about being human.

"Hey,"

"Hello, Dean." Cas smiled, licking his fingers clean.

"Geez, did you even taste that?"

"Yes, and it was very good."

Dean chuckled. "How you doing, Cas?"

"Fine. How are you? How's Sam?"

"We're uh, we're good. Listen, there's some things I've gotta fill you in on. Things you can't tell Sam, alright?"

Cas frowned. "What is it?"

Dean lowered his voice. "Remember how I told you Ezekiel was gonna heal him?"

"Yes."

"Well...long story short, I tricked Sam into letting Zeke possess him."

Castiel's eyes widened. "You what?"

"It was the only way, okay? He was dying. Ezekiel is healing him from the inside out, but Sam doesn't know."

"He's not going to be happy when he finds out."

"You think? That's why you can't tell him."

"You realize that keeping secrets from each other has never ended well..."

"Yeah," Dean mumbled. "But it won't be for long. Ezekiel is only gonna stay three more days, then he's out of here."

"Why?"

Dean hesitated. "He doesn't feel safe here."

"Why not? This is the safest place I know of."

"He's just paranoid because the angels are all looking for you."

Castiel's face fell with the realization. "Oh. I can leave if you want-"

"No." Dean instinctively reached out and put a hand on Cas's shoulder. "Sam's doing better. He'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" Cas stared up at him with uncertainty in those bright blue eyes.

"Yeah. We just got you back, I'm not losing you again."

"Thank you, Dean." Cas looked touched.

The hunter cleared his throat. This was feeling a little too much like a chick-flick moment. "Yeah. So, what do you say we hit the books? Let's see what we can find out about fixing Heaven."

"I don't understand. Why must we smite the books? They are inanimate. We cannot torture them for information."

Dean laughed. It was good to have him back.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas took the room next to Dean's. As he struggled to put sheets on the mattress, he was again reminded of how simple things were when he was an angel. He didn't need to sleep, let alone make a bed. Exhaustion seemed to be a constant now, but he fought it. Sleep was anything but restful.

 

It was getting late, and Dean wandered into the library. Cas was still hunched over a book, staring at it with intense concentration. Dean couldn't help but smile. Cas always gave 110%, no matter what he was doing.

He cleared his throat to announce his presence.

Cas startled, and Dean felt bad. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I'm just...not used to people being able to sneak up on me. My senses are so dull."

"You get used to it." He sat across from his friend. "It's almost midnight. You gonna go to sleep anytime soon?"

"No." Cas stated simply.

"Uh, okay. The book will still be here when you wake up, you know that, right?"

"Yes."

"Are you okay?" Dean studied his face. Cas looked beat.

"Yes. Why are you still awake?" He turned the question around.

"My sleep schedule is so messed up right now." Dean laughed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm probably gonna hit the hay soon though."

"Oh."

"Let me know if you need anything." He stood.

"Goodnight." Cas turned his attention back to the book.

 

With everyone asleep, the bunker was quiet. Too quiet. It was interesting; if he concentrated, Cas could still hear Angel Radio. But the voices were static; unclear. He didn't know if it was simply his humanity, or the fact that the bunker was warded. Either way, it was giving him a headache to try and listen in. He sat back, looking at the clock. Only a few more hours until morning.

He yawned. Maybe he would lie down, just for a minute...

Cas quietly walked through the halls to his room. His room? He paused. No. It wasn't his room. It was just a room where he was supposed to sleep. Calling it his would imply that he belonged here. The bunker was not his home. He didn't have a home anymore.

He laid down and closed his eyes. It felt good to relax. But as soon as he started drifting off, the images started.

Falling.

Bleeding.

Screaming.

His brothers and sisters, crashing to the earth. Their cries piercing his heart.

Hael's face danced in front of him. "This is your fault, Castiel."

His eyes flew open. Dammit. He wasn't even asleep yet, and already the nightmares were beginning. He sat up, fixing his gaze on the clock. Only a few more hours until morning.

 

"Hey." Kevin greeted him as Cas wandered into the kitchen.

"Hello. You are awake early."

"Yeah. I need to translate the Angel tablet, sooner rather than later."

"Yes."

Kevin chuckled. "You look as sleep-deprived as I feel." He handed Cas a cup of coffee.

"Thank you."

"No problem. So, what are you gonna do until we figure out how to get your Grace back?"

"I'm not sure." Cas admitted.

"It's okay. Sam and Dean will put you to work. There's always something to do."

"Ain't that the truth." Cas turned at the sound of the familiar voice. Dean shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. "What the hell are you doing up?"

Cas couldn't help but smile. The hunter's hair seemed to have a mind of its own, tufts sticking out in every direction. His eyes were squinted against the light, and he leaned up against the doorway. He was wearing a thin T shirt and sweatpants, and Cas briefly wondered why he dressed in layers all the time. He definitely didn't have anything to hide. He was in excellent physical shape.

"I'm getting an early start on Translating, I don't know why Castiel is awake." Kevin explained, sipping his coffee.

"Hm. You sleep okay, buddy?"

Cas looked away.

"You did sleep, right?"

Cas shrugged.

"Dude, you're human now. That means you gotta rest."

"I'm aware of that, Dean." Cas bristled at the unwanted reminder.

"Okay," Dean put his hands up. "Just saying."

 

The day seemed to drag on, and Cas felt like he was moving in slow motion. As much as he appreciated the safety of the bunker, he missed the open skies. He was getting claustrophobic.

"I'm going out." He announced.

Kevin didn't even bother to look up from the tablet. "Alright."

As he stepped out, Cas inhaled deeply. It felt strange; breathing. He could actually feel the cool, crisp air entering his lungs. As an angel, he hadn't needed to breathe, but his vessel had done it out of habit anyway. But this was different. He had experimented by holding his breath, and quickly learned this caused an unpleasant burning sensation in his lungs after a while.

He started walking. The ex-angel wasn't sure where he was headed, but he needed to clear his mind. Nature had always been a sort of haven for him. Sitting quietly among God's creations brought him peace.

Cas strolled into the woods by the bunker, enjoying the sounds of the wildlife. He reached a clearing and sat down on a large rock. Maybe this would be a good time to try to tune in to Angel Radio.

He closed his eyes and concentrated.

"What now?"

"Father, where art thou?"

"Make it stop..."

"DAMN YOU, CASTIEL."

"Lost..."

"How could this happen?"

"Find him, and kill him."

Cas drew a shuddering breath, blocking out the frequency once again. Most of his brothers and sisters sounded lost and confused. But there were a few voices in there cursing his name and wanting him dead. He didn't blame them. This was his fault, after all.

"Cas!"

He turned his head to see Dean approaching, swatting branches out of his way.

"Hello."

"What the hell are you doing?" He panted.

Cas stood. "I went for a walk." He said defensively.

"I can see that. Why?"

"It is easier for me to hear the angels out here."

"Yeah, that's cause the bunker is freakin' warded. You know, safe."

"I thought it would be helpful if I could overhear plans-"

"Not necessary. We've got a Reaper on our side."

"What?"

"Remember Tessa? She knows what's going on, and she's helping us out."

"And you trust her?"

Dean hesitated. "Well, no. But we have history, and she seemed pretty pissed about the Reapers for hire. She's gonna keep them from finding you. And she's got sources within Bartholomew's ranks."

"Hm." Cas wasn't sure about it, but Tessa had proven herself to be an ally before.

"Come on, let's get you inside."

Cas hesitated. "Can I just...stay out here a while longer?"

"Why?" Dean frowned.

"Nevermind." Cas sighed. He didn't feel like explaining himself.

 

He drank two cups of coffee that night. He knew sleep was inevitable, but wanted to delay it as long as possible.

 

Dean was no stranger to sleepless nights. He'd never slept well; being a hunter kept you on your toes. From childhood, he'd been trained to wake up every few hours to check on Sammy and assess potential threats.

Now that they had a place to call home, he slept much better. But tonight he awoke with a familiar feeling; something was wrong.

He quickly got out of bed and picked up his revolver. He stealthily made his way to Sam's room, and looked inside. His brother rarely shut the door, which worked in his favor. He knew the younger Winchester would be wide awake at the smallest sound. He was sleeping peacefully, long hair falling across his face. Dean smiled. Sam was okay.

He still couldn't shake the feeling, so he checked on Kevin next. He bit back a laugh as he gently pushed the door open and found the kid upside-down, foot hanging off the bed, snoring softly. He slept in the weirdest positions. How was he not sore every morning?

One person left to check on. (Well, other than Crowley. He would check the demon's restraints before heading back to bed.) Dean walked back to Castiel's room, and quietly opened the door.

Oh, Cas...

The former angel was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed. It was crazy how small he looked like this. His fists were clenching the sheets tightly, and there was a look of pure agony on his face. He was making small whimpering noises, and it tore at Dean's heart.

"Cas," He set his gun down on the nightstand and gently touched his friend's shoulder.

Terror-filled blue eyes shot open and stared right at him, not truly seeing him.

"Cas, buddy, it's me."

"Dean," His name was whispered in a choked sob.

"You're okay, it was just a nightmare." Dean sat on the edge of the bed as Cas shakily leaned up against the headboard.

"No. It was a memory."

Dean frowned. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No." He ran a trembling hand through his hair.

"Okay," Dean said softly. "That's okay."

"The coffee didn't work."

Poor guy... "Caffeine only works for so long, man. You gotta sleep eventually."

"I can't keep doing this." Cas's voice wavered, and Dean felt helpless.

"You can." He said gruffly. "It gets better. You won't always have nightmares."

"But they won't stop! Every night...since I fell...every time I close my eyes..." His breathing grew more erratic, and Dean saw a panic attack coming.

"Hey, breathe." He gripped Cas's shoulders. "Look at me. You're gonna be okay."

"I'll be okay," Cas nodded feverishly, repeated the words as if he was trying to convince himself they were true. "I'm sorry if I woke you."

"Nah, you didn't. I woke up on my own, and just thought I'd check on you."

Cas gave a small smile. "Thank you."

"Yeah. Well, um, try to go back to sleep. Come get me if you need me." Dean awkwardly stood and headed for the door. He was no good at this whole talking thing.

"Thanks." His friend repeated.

As Dean looked back, he fought the urge to stay. Cas looked so lost. Those blue eyes stared straight ahead, and his hands were gripping his sheets again. No way he was going back to sleep anytime soon.

But what difference would it make?

He couldn't fix the broken angel. He couldn't take away the pain. Sam was the go-to guy for comfort. Maybe in the morning he'd ask his brother if he would sit down with Cas and see how he was really doing.


	3. Chapter 3

When Dean awoke the next morning, his first thought was of Cas. Had he been able to go back to sleep last night? Was he doing better? How could they help him?

He rolled out of bed and headed for his friend's room. The door was open, and Dean could see that the bed was neatly made.

"Good morning, Dean. Were you looking for me?" He turned at the sound of Castiel's voice, and nearly choked on his own spit.

The former angel was wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. His dark hair was still wet from the shower, and Dean's eyes were drawn to his well-muscled chest. Cas had always seemed kind of small; partly because of his slender frame, but also because of the loose, baggy clothing he wore. Without clothes, however, it was clear that he was anything but scrawny.

"Uh, yeah, hi." Dean stuttered. "I just, yeah, you're awake. Cool."

"Are you alright?" Cas tilted his head, looking at his friend with concern.

"Good, I'm good. Just, I mean, you should probably put some clothes on."

"Oh," A look of amusement crossed his face. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Dean laughed nervously. "No! I mean, maybe? Jesus, just put your damn pants on."

He turned quickly and walked away, trying not to imagine how red his face was right now.

This was Cas! His best friend. Best friends do NOT look at each other like that.

He wandered off to find Sam, leaving a confused Castiel staring after him.

 

"Hey,"

"What's up?" Sam asked stepping away from the shelves.

"Dude, do you ever leave the library?"

"This stuff is fascinating, Dean. Besides, we kinda have a situation going on here. Fallen angels, ring a bell? Maybe there's something here that would help."

"Nerd."

"Shut up. So, did you need something, or are you just here to annoy me?"

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "I uh, was wondering if you could talk to Cas."

"About what?"

"Everything, I guess. I dunno, just...see how he's doing."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Why don't you do it? You do 'share a more profound bond'." He smirked.

Dean glared at him. "I suck at this sorta thing, and you know it."

"Whatever." Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'll talk to him."

 

Cas was puzzled over Dean's behavior. Just when he thought he had humanity figured out, something like this happened.

He knew it was customary to cover one's private parts when around other people, so he'd wrapped a towel around his waist. But Dean had still been bothered by it.

He sighed. Why did everything need to be so unnecessarily complicated?

His stomach growled, which usually signaled that it was time to eat. But Castel wasn't hungry. Nothing sounded appetizing, and no matter how much he ate, he never felt full. There was always this hollow, empty ache in his gut.

Nothing felt right.

He was startled by a knock at the door.

"Come in," He called out.

"Hey," Sam greeted him with a smile. "How's it going?"

"How is...what going?" Cas squinted in confusion.

Sam chuckled. "Nevermind." He noticed that Cas was still wearing the same green shirt and red jacket from yesterday. "Do you wanna go shopping?" He asked.

Cas was taken aback by the invitation. Did Sam want his opinion, or was it a 'demand in the form of a question'?

Sensing his friend's hesitation, Sam elaborated. "I was just wondering if you wanted to get some more clothes. you could always borrow from me or Dean, but it's nice to have your own."

"I would like that."

"Awesome, let's go."

 

On the way to the store, Cas sat up front in the passenger seat. He rolled down the window. It was nice to feel the wind on his face again.

"So..." Sam cleared his throat. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, how are you?" Cas quickly gave the standard answer.

"You know...when I ask that, I'm not just trying to make conversation. I really do wanna know how you are."

"Oh."

"I mean, how are you feeling? Losing your Grace...becoming human...that can't be easy." Sam gently prodded.

Cas felt a lump rise in his throat. "It is not a pleasant experience." He admitted.

"Is there anything we can do to make it easier on you?"

Cas looked at the younger Winchester and smiled sadly. Sam was just trying to help, but there wasn't anything he could do.

"Thank you, but you are already doing more than enough. You and Dean have provided me with food, a place to live...and here you are; taking time out of your day to take me shopping."

"It's no problem. You've saved our asses more than once, it's the least we can do. If you think of anything you need, anything to make the...transition easier, let us know."

"Thank you." Cas repeated sincerely. He was fortunate to have such good friends.

 

An hour later, they wandered out of the store with a new wardrobe for Cas. He was exhausted. Trying on clothes, talking to people...why was it so hard?

"You doing okay?" Sam noticed his silence as they drove back to the bunker.

"Yes. I'm just tired."

 

"How did it go?" Dean asked as Cas went to put his clothes away.

"Good. We got him some new clothes, including a Metallica T-shirt." Sam chuckled. "You should be proud."

"Atta boy." Dean beamed. "But the, uh...the talking part. How's he doing?"

Sam sighed. "I'm worried about him. He wouldn't really open up, but it's kinda obvious that he's hurting."

Dean frowned. "Yeah. Maybe we should take him out, show him the fun of being human. I bet he's hammered after one drink." He grinned, imagining it.

"Dude, no." Sam shook his head. "I don't think that's his idea of fun. Besides, I think the sooner we figure out how to restore Heaven, the better. All he really needs is his Grace back."

"Yeah, you're right." Dean shrugged. "But when this is all over, we're going out for ice cream and strippers." He wiggled his eyebrows, and Sam rolled his eyes.

"You're such a perv."

"Bitch."

"Jerk."


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a week, and they were no closer to resolving the situation. Kevin's translating was coming along, but not in the way they'd hoped. He was able to translate it into Cuneiform, another dead language. Luckily, they were in a bunker full of knowledge. They had an entire section of volumes on dead languages. 24 books to be exact. So they spent their days looking through, trying to find the key to breaking the code.

Cas was getting worse. He had underestimated the intensity of human emotions. Everything was magnified. He found himself having totally irrational thoughts and feelings. They ran out of peanut butter one day, and it felt like the end of the world.

It was interesting; he was technically more alive than he'd ever been. He had a heartbeat, he had to breathe...but somehow he felt dead inside. As an Angel, he was always buzzing with a celestial energy. He could bring someone back from the brink of death! But now...he was barely hanging on.

Without the ability to communicate with his brothers and sisters, he felt so alone. And so useless. He wasn't a soldier anymore, he was just...him. He wasn't even sure who he was. This was Jimmy Novak's body, but in a way it belonged to him now. Jimmy was in Heaven.

He was always tired. The nightmares didn't go away, as Dean said they would. Each night was a battle against his own mind.

Along with the constant fatigue, he was always cold. It wasn't a physical chill, but a kind of icy despair that left him frozen inside.

For centuries, Castiel had looked down upon humans who considered taking their own lives. Why throw away such a precious gift? The mortal lifespan was already so fleeting.

But he understood it now.

He wasn't suicidal. He understood that he needed to fix the damage he'd done. Death was too good for him at this point. He deserved to suffer.

And that's how he found himself bleeding on the bathroom floor at 2AM. The first cut was shallow. Just a small nick along the skin of his wrist with his angel blade. It bled very little, about the same as a shaving cut. But it felt so good. The pain chased away his thoughts, if only for a moment. He made another slice, this one deeper. The blood dripping across his arm was warm. He choked back a relieved sob.

He needed this.

It quickly became a habit. After every nightmare, Cas would drag the blade across his skin. It woke him up, reminded him of what was real. It was so hard to tell sometimes. He wasn't used to dreams, let alone nightmares. If he could feel pain, he was awake. And alive.

 

"God, I am so bored." Dean groaned. "We've been at this for a week."

Sam sighed. "Look, it's not fun, but do we really have another choice?"

"We could always ask Crowley."

"That's a last resort for a reason."

"Fine." Dean shook his head. "But I need a break. I'm gonna go look for a case, see if there's anything worth our time."

 

"BINGO." The older hunter plopped his laptop down in front of Sam and Cas.

"Four missing in Rexburg, Idaho. Presumed dead, but no bodies have been released to the families. And there were reports of a 'strange substance' at the crime scenes."

"That...definitely sounds like our kinda thing." Sam said.

"Roadtrip, anyone?" Dean grinned.

"You guys go ahead." Kevin said, barely looking up. "This is actually really interesting. I think I've almost reached the section on Elamite..."

"Alright. Pack your bags, boys. We're going to Idaho."

Cas was happy to get out of the bunker, but this was his first case as a human. He was a little worried; he didn't want to make a mistake and put Sam and Dean in danger. He knew his way around a shotgun, and he was decent in hand-to-hand combat. But his biggest asset, his angel powers, were gone.


	5. Chapter 5

They stopped at a motel to check in and change into their FBI attire, and Cas self-consciously looked in the mirror as he realized the suit was a lot looser than he remembered it being. He'd lost weight.

"Still got that badge?" Dean asked as they pulled up to the crime scene.

"Yes." Cas reached into his pocket to make sure.

"Awesome."

They parked the Impala, and Cas followed the brothers' lead.

"Four missing?" Dean asked the on-site officer.

"Four dead. Just got confirmation."

"And, uh, any common threads you can think of?" Sam looked around, noting the Hazmat team. What the hell?

"Well, Joe in there had the suicide hotline on speed dial. The gal before him was a shut-in; had enough antidepressants in her medicine cabinet to stock a pharmacy. The first victims, a couple, were basically a walking billboard for no-fault divorce."

"Were they all basket cases?"

"If you asked me to make a list of the country's saddest sacks, there four would've been right on top."

"So, four unhappy people, one of them definitely suicidal...but you've ruled that out?" Cas spoke up.

The officer shrugged. "See for yourself." He handed them each a pair of shoe-covers.

The reason for the booties become evident as soon as they walked into the shack. The entire room was covered in a thin layer of pink dust.

"Geez..." Dean breathed. "What is this?"

"If the tests come back the same as the others, it's everything."

"Everything?"

"Blood, skin, hair, nails, internal organs...even clothing fibers."

"Wow."

Dean looked over at Cas, who had a look of controlled horror on his face. His hands were clenched in fists, and there was an expression in his eyes that was hard to read.

"I think we've seen enough. Thanks, Officer." Sam said softly, also noticing the effect the scene was having on Cas.

Back in the car, the brothers turned to him. "What's wrong?"

"I've seen this before."

"What? Where?"

"In Heaven."

"Wait, you're saying an angel did this?"

"It's no ordinary angel. Dean, this is bad..." Cas drew a shaky breath. "On the battlefields of Heaven, there was a special class of angels; the Rit Zien. It's Enochian for "hands of mercy." They functioned like medics. They tended to the wounded; healed those who could be healed, but for the mortally wounded, those who were past saving...The Rit Zien's job was to put them down."

"But the bodies...or, you know, lack therof..."

"That was their special ability. They had this way of smiting that was so quick and total that it rendered death virtually painless."

"These aren't wounded angels." Sam said. "They're people."

"The Rit Zien hone in on pain, it's like a beacon to them. So when this angel fell to earth, he heard the victim's cries; their anguish. Same as he'd hear an angel's in Heaven. He thinks he's continuing his Heavenly work down here, one suffering human at a time."

"Yeah, but this last victim wasn't suffering. She was just a normal, moody kid." Sam pointed out.

Cas looked down. "The ebb and flow of human emotion...I've been on earth for a few years, and I've only begun to grasp it. To him, pain is pain."

"So, everybody's fair game. Awesome." Dean said grimly.

Suddenly, there was a distinct change of energy in the car. Cas craned his neck just in time to see Sam's eyes flash blue.

"Ezekiel." Dean had told him the angel was inhabiting his brother, but he hadn't actually seen proof of it until now.

"Hello, Castiel."

It was so bizarre, seeing Sam, but obviously not Sam.

"I'm afraid I cannot stay."

"What the hell, why not?" Dean scowled.

"I told you. I must stay away from anything angel-related."

"You can't just leave in the middle of a case, we need Sam fully functional!"

"Your brother is much improved. He does not need me anymore."

"But-"

"When I chose to answer your prayer and heal Sam, I chose sides. That does not leave me in good standing with certain angels."

Cas hated to admit it, but Ezekiel was right. He was in danger as long as he was helping them.

Dean pursed his lips. "So he'll be 100%?"

"Not quite." Ezekiel confessed. "He will be in a weakened state, possibly for months. But he is healthy enough to live without my grace sustaining him."

Dean frowned. "Okay...just...wait til we get back to the motel. I don't wanna have to carry his ass inside."

The angel nodded, and with another flash of sapphire eyes, Sam was back.

"So, what are we gonna do about this Rit Zien?"

Cas blinked. Dean was right, it was dizzying to try and keep up with the transition from Angel to Sam. "Well, they can be killed by an angel blade, just like any other celestial being. All we have to do is find him before he smites another victim."

"Great. How do we find him?"

"I'm not sure."

Dean sighed, starting the car.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked.

"Back to the motel. Let's see if we can find a summoning spell."

 

Upon entering their room, Sam was immediately replaced by Ezekiel.

"Thanks for the warning." Dean grumbled.

"I must go now. Sam will be fine."

Dean nodded. "Hey, thanks for your help. I know you really put your ass on the line, and I appreciate that."

Ezekiel smiled. "You are welcome." His gaze flickered to Cas before settling back on Dean. His smile faded, replaced by a solemn stare. "I kept your brother alive. Please do the same for mine."

"Wait, what does that mean-" Dean was cut off as a brilliant blue light came from Sam's mouth. The younger Winchester fell, and they quickly grabbed him before he hit the ground, easing him onto the bed.

"Sammy?" Dean's voice was filled with concern. He checked his brother's pulse, and sighed with relief. "Thank God."

"Should we take him to a hospital?" Cas asked quietly.

"I...I don't know."

Just then, Sam's eyes shot open and he gasped.

"Sam!"

"What...the hell happened?" He panted, sitting up.

"Woah, take it easy. I don't know, we walked in and you just passed out." Dean tried to touch his forehead, but Sam swatted his hand away.

"Come on, don't be a pouter."

Sam leaned back against the headboard. He looked awfully pale.

"You're running a bit of a fever."

"It's nothing."

"How do you know? You just collapsed!"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Don't be so dramatic." He said weakly.

"You're staying here."

"But-"

"I swear to God, I will drag your ass to the hospital."

"Ugh, fine."

"Cas, can I talk to you outside?"

 

"He's in no shape to be hunting."

"I agree. What should we do?"

"I dunno, I was thinking we'd have him stay here and research a summoning spell while we do the field work."

Cas nodded. "We should start with the first victims, the couple. They're the starting point, maybe that will give us an insight into why he began killing."

"Good thinking."

They broke the news to Sam, who wasn't happy about it. But he didn't protest as much as they expected, which was an indication of just how crappy he was feeling.

"Let's head to the station, see if there's anything new."

 

They drove in silence for a few minutes, and Castiel was lost in thought. Every angel-related death was really his fault. If he hadn't helped Metatron...

"Hey, you doing okay?" Dean looked over at him. The look in Ezekiel's eyes as he'd told him to watch out for his brother...it was more than just a casual request. He looked worried about Cas. Almost as if he knew something they didn't.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Dean." Cas snapped.

"Geez, okay."

They reached the station and were greeted by the same detective they'd met at the crime scene.

"Hey, fellas. Good timing, I was just about to call you."

"Yeah? Any new developments?"

The lab results for the first victims came back. Turns out, that pink disaster only contained the wife's DNA."

"Which means the husband is still out there..." Dean murmured.

"Yeah. We've put out an APB on his truck." The officer showed them a picture of both the man and the vehicle.

"Great. We'll go stake out his house, see if he comes back."

 

They parked outside, and cautiously entered the house; blades in hand. After a quick sweep, they determined the home was empty. Dean sighed. "I'm gonna call Sam. Look for clues or somethin'." He stepped out, and Cas was left alone.

But not for long.

"Hello, Castiel."

He spun around to find a slender young man gazing intently at him. He recognized him from the picture of the husband they'd been shown back at the police station. He couldn't see past the Vessel to the Angel's true identity, but he could feel the hum of power emanating from him.

"Do you remember my name?" The angel squinted. "No, you've lost your Grace. You wouldn't. Besides, I was just a nobody when we met. But you...you were a legend."

Cas took a step back as the man continued to draw closer. He looked around for Dean, who was nowhere in sight.

"Your friend is a bit tied up at the moment. He is arguing with his brother. Can't say I blame him. They have a dysfunctional relationship at best."

Cas recognized the bitter tone, the subtle inflection of anger.

"Ephraim."

"So you do know me." The angel chuckled. "Imagine that."

"Brother, you have to stop-"

"Stop?" He frowned. "I will not stop until I wash this planet clean of suffering."

"There is so much you don't understand...these humans...they feel things differently. Earth can be a hard place, but they're doing the best they can. The pain they feel is temporary."

"That may be true for some, but others are lost causes."

"Cas!" Dean appeared in the doorway, armed with an Angel blade.

With a bored sigh, Ephraim threw him to the floor with the flick of his wrist. "Stay out of this, Winchester."

"Let him go." Cas demanded, raising his own blade.

Ephraim laughed, easily swatting it away. "You're so weak now. It's almost too easy." He grabbed Cas by the collar and shoved him against the wall. "But don't worry. I'm not here for him. I'm here for you."

"W-what?"

"You heard me."

"How? I'm warded..."

"I just followed the sound of your pain. You have no idea how loud it is, Castiel. I could hear you for miles." He pressed his hand to Cas's forehead, and a pink light began to fill the room. "Shh...I can take it all away."

Cas felt himself leaning into the touch. He was tired. He was done. Ephraim was right; he was in pain. Being human was not easy, and what purpose did he serve? Honestly, the Winchesters would probably fare better without him.

"Cas, no!"

He saw the pink fade, replaced by a blinding white light from Ephraim's eyes and mouth as Dean plunged the angel blade through his spine. He fell, and Cas did too.

"I'm so sorry, Brother..." He whispered with tears in his eyes.

 

They limped to the car and headed back to the motel. Cas leaned his head against the cool window. He needed something to ground him. He needed to cut, but that would have to wait.


	6. Chapter 6

"Talk to me." Dean pulled into the motel parking lot and shut the car off, but made no move to get out.

"About what?" Cas muttered, although he knew damn well what his friend wanted to know.

"What's going on with you? First Ezekiel, now that Ephraim dude-"

"Ephraim was unhinged. He smote a teenage girl going through a breakup. I think it's safe to say he had no idea what true pain was. And Ezekiel...is it not normal for one to be concerned for his brother?" Cas replied irritably.

Dean searched his face. The former angel had dark circles under his eyes, and it looked like he'd aged five years in the past week. The suit seemed to hang off his slender frame, and for the first time, Dean noticed how thin he was getting. His eyes - once so bright, were now a dull color; more gray than blue.

"You're not okay." He stated.

Cas snorted. "I'm human. I'm as 'okay' as I'm gonna get until we retrieve my grace." He opened the door and walked towards their room. The conversation was clearly over.

 

Sam watched as Cas stormed in, making a beeline for the bathroom. "Well, hello to you too." He chuckled.

Dean wasn't far behind him.

"What happened?"

"We ganked the bastard."

"So he's dead? That's it?" Sam raised an eyebrow. "How'd you find him?"

Dean went to the fridge for a beer. "He came to us."

"You're kidding."

"Nope." Dean took a swig from the bottle. "He said that he 'followed the sound of Cas's pain'."

Sam frowned. "Is he okay?" He asked softly.

"Obviously not, but the son of a bitch won't talk to me." He lowered his voice. "That angel - Rit Zien, whatever...it almost killed him. At the end there...it almost looked like Cas wanted it.

"You think he's suicidal?"

"I don't know, man." Dean glanced towards the bathroom. "Even if he is, I don't know what to do about it."

 

He could hear them. Hushed whispers. They were obviously talking about him, although he couldn't make out exactly what they were saying. Cas leaned against the bathroom door and pressed his angel blade to his wrist. He made the cut, and waited for relief.

It didn't come.

He bit his lip. He needed more.

So he made another slice. And another. And another; until his arms looked like they'd been through a shredder.

He washed the blood off, watching with a sick pleasure as it flowed down the sink. He waited until the bleeding stopped to roll down his sleeves. He couldn't let it soak through the nice suit.

"Hey, you fall in?"

He cringed at the knocking. "What does that even mean?"

There was a loud sigh. "Nevermind. Just...are you okay in there?"

"Yes."

 

The drive home seemed way too long. Sam felt awful. His whole body ached, and it felt like someone was jamming needles into his brain. He laid down in the backseat while Dean drove, and Cas took his usual spot up front.

"How are you doing, Cas?" He asked, trying to distract himself from the nausea.

"Better than you." Cas replied, glancing back at him. "You look horrible."

Sam laughed softly. "Thanks."

"Seriously though, do we need to take you to a doctor?" Dean asked, even though he knew exactly what his brother's problem was.

"Nah."

Dean scowled, considering it anyway. Ezekiel had said he would get better on his own, but the kid didn't look so good.

"I'll be fine."

"Yeah, I've heard that before. Speaking of which..." He looked at Cas. "How are you feeling? You look a little pale."

"Me?" Cas blinked. "I'm just tired."

"You're sure tired a lot."

"I spent millions of years as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. I did not require sleep. Maybe I am simply trying to catch up." He snapped.

"Okay, okay...whatever you say."

 

Back at the bunker, Kevin greeted them with a grim face. They set their bags down without even bothering to unpack.

"More bad news? Great, let's hear it." Dean helped Sam to the table.

"Are you okay?" Kevin asked.

"Probably just the flu or something." Sam replied weakly.

"Alright, so I read through every single book on Dead Languages. Nothing on Cuneiform."

"Dammit!" Dean swore. "I guess that means Crowley is our only option.

"I won't talk to him." Kevin declared. "He killed my mom."

Sam nodded. "It's okay, we'll do it."

"Correction; Cas and I will do it. You're going to bed." Dean ordered.

"But De-"

"No buts. Come on, Sasquatch." He half-carried Sam to his room, and Cas couldn't help but smile at the odd sight. He also felt a peculiar twinge in his chest...sadness? Envy? He wasn't sure.

Sam and Dean looked after each other; they were codependent to a fault. But at least they knew someone always had their back.

Castiel's brothers were like that, many centuries ago. Gabriel taught him everything he knew. They were so close...what happened?

"You okay?" Kevin was looking at him strangely.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He grumbled.

"Probably 'cause you look like crap."

"Okay, let's get started!" Dean returned, and Kevin handed him the Cuneiform translation. "You made copies of these, right? In case Crowley...does anything to them?"

"Of course." Kevin looked almost offended.

"Just checkin' the boxes, kid." He patted Cas's shoulder. "Come on, let's go."

 

Crowley was chained in their dungeon. He'd been there for weeks, but this was the first time Cas had been down to see him.

"Cassie! What a pleasant surprise." The demon sneered as they walked in. "Nice to see a fresh face."

"Can you read Cuneiform?"

"Straight to business? Where's the fun in that, Angel?" Crowley suddenly grinned. "Of course, it's not 'angel' anymore, is it? You're human."

"I asked you a question." Cas said quietly, anger creeping into his voice.

"And I have an answer - for a price."

"You always have a price, Dickbag." Dean glared. "What do you want?"

"First of all, a little massage would be nice. Sitting in this chair all day long makes a body awfully stiff."

"I'm not touching you." Cas said with disgust. "Unless it's to slit your throat." He let the angel blade slip into his hand, and pressed the edge against Crowley's cheek. "I may be human, but I can still hurt you."

Crowley didn't even flinch. "Yes, but you'd rather hurt yourself, wouldn't you?" He said smugly.

Cas froze. "I don't know what you're talking about. Can you, or can you not read Cuneiform?" He raised his voice, hoping the King of Hell would let it go.

"Dean doesn't know, does he?"

"Know what, Cas?" Dean stepped closer, brow furrowed.

"Oooh, I do love a good drama. I've been so bored down here; you lot are the only entertainment I have."

Cas dropped the blade to his throat and made a small nick. "Talk." He growled.

"Okay, okay..." Crowley winced at the sting. "On one condition."

"What?"

"You have to tell him."

"Tell me what?"

"I don't have to, you know. We're only keeping you alive for information. As soon as you stop being useful, you die. So you better start talking."

"Will someone please just tell me what the hell is going on?"

Cas resisted the urge to decapitate the demon right then and there. He wished they didn't need the information so badly; but right now, he realized that this was the only way to get what they needed.

"You can translate these into English?" Cas spread the papers out in front of him.

"It's not my favorite of the Elamite languages, but I can get by."

"Prove it."

Crowley rolled his eyes, but cooperated. "This part right here...says...heart of a Nephilim, bow of a cupid, and an angel's Grace. Looks like some sort of spell."

"The one Metatron used to cast the angels out of Heaven." Cas nodded. "Good. And the rest of it?"

"Oi, you gotta give me something in return. I don't work for free, you know."

"I can't wait until we can kill you." Cas muttered.

"Oh, come on. It's not even that hard. All I'm asking for is a little domestic drama. Some fun. I thrive off contention, and I'm starving for it."

"Anything. Else."

"Good God, you're so stubborn. Fine. I want a phone call."

"Cas, would you just tell me?" Dean was looking at him with concern. "What's he talking about?"

"We can discuss it later." Cas dismissed the question, reaching for his cell phone. "Who are you trying to contact?"

"Abbadon. And it's not that kind of call." Crowley smirked. "Be a dear, open up a vein for me. God knows you're jonesing for it anyway."

"Oh, for Christ's sake." Dean grabbed a bowl off the shelf behind them, and quickly made a cut on his arm before Cas could do anything. He shoved the blood filled dish in front of Crowley. "Let's get this over with. If you try to contact anyone else, or stage a rescue-"

"You'll kill me, I know." He chanted some words over the bowl, and the blood began to boil. "Hello, this is Crowley. YOUR KING, YOU BLOODY FOOL. Get me Abbadon. Now."

Cas barely paid attention as Crowley connected with Abbadon. It was a seemingly pointless call; mostly empty threats from both sides. He couldn't blame the King of Hell for wanting to check on his kingdom though. It seemed like Crowley's empire was falling, and that brought him satisfaction.

"What is this world coming to?" Crowley murmured. "She's ruining my Hell!"

"That's what you get for being a dick. Now translate." Dean shoved blank paper in front of him, along with a black crayon. "We'll be back in 45 minutes."

"It's gonna take a bit longer than that, you moron." He spat.

But it didn't matter, Dean was already leaving; pulling Cas along with him. They secured the Dungeon, and Cas waited for the inevitable question.

"Cas, What was he talking about in there?"

 

And there it was...


	7. Chapter 7

Cas sighed, trying to think of a way out of this. He could always lie, but he hated deceiving Dean. "I don't want to talk about it." He finally said.

Much to his surprise, the hunter didn't push for an answer. "Let's go for a drive."

Cas squinted in confusion. "What?"

"A drive. Come on, Cas, humor me."

"Um, okay."

 

He wasn't sure where they were going, but it couldn't be far. They had told Crowley that they would return shortly. Dean drove in silence, not even turning on the radio. Cas was getting worried. What was going on?

Dean made a sharp turn onto a dirt road, and soon a lake came into view. It was beautiful; sun glinting off the blue water. Dean drove to the pier and shut the car off.

"Where are we?"

"A lake. What's it look like?" He got out of the car, and Cas followed. Dean sat on the hood of the Impala. "Talk to me."

Cas nervously hovered in front of him. "I have nothing to say."

"Are you sure? Cause you're tellin' me an awful lot without saying a word."

"I don't know what you mean."

Dean shook his head. "Look at yourself, man! You're always tired, probably cause of the nightmares. You're losing weight, you look fuckin' miserable. And...and back there with Ephraim...it looked like you were ready to give up!"

"It...it wasn't like that! What do you want me to say, Dean?"

"Just tell me the truth. How are you really doing?" Cas hesitated, and Dean gave a noise of frustration. "Roll up your sleeves."

Castiel stuttered. "W-why?"

"Crowley wasn't exactly subtle, okay? I'm not an idiot, I know what he was talking about. Just roll up your damn sleeves!"

Cas swallowed hard. "I would rather not."

Dean impatiently grabbed his arm, yanking the sleeve back. "Jesus," He exhaled sharply.

Cas winced at the contact and looked at his wrist. The wounds from earlier today had bled more, leaving his skin covered in drying blood.

"It-It's not as bad as it looks." He pulled his arm from Dean's grasp.

The hunter stood, his hands clenched into fists. He glanced around, almost as if he was looking for something to punch.

"You're angry." Cas stated. "You can hit me if you'd like, I know it helps you relieve stress."

"Dammit, Cas! I'm not gonna hurt you." He grabbed his friend by the front of his shirt, which Castiel found both ironic and strangely thrilling.

"Why?" Dean asked simply, gazing into Cas's eyes with a look of devastation and anger.

He found himself struggling to answer the question. Dean was so close...Cas could feel the hunter's hand just above his heartbeat, clutching the thin material of his shirt. He could smell Dean's cologne, and his scent of aftershave and whiskey. Their faces were inches apart, and for some reason Cas's gaze dropped to Dean's lips...

"Dean," He said softly. "I believe it was you who told me about personal space."

The hunter snorted, but released his hold on Castiel's shirt. He took a step back. "Well, are you gonna answer me or not, Cas? Why are you...doing that?"

"It's complicated."

"We've got all the time in the world." Dean sat back down on the hood of the Impala, and folded his arms across his chest.

Cas sighed, really not wanting to have this conversation. "I deserve to suffer. After all the pain I caused-"

"That's bullshit!"

Cas glared. "You asked me to talk, I'm trying."

Dean grudgingly shut up, and let him continue.

"After nightmares sometimes, I use the pain to kind of...help me figure out what's real."

Dean nodded. "That makes sense. We can work with that."

Cas kept going. "But most of all...it stops the cold."

"The cold?"

He looked away. "I don't know how to explain it...Have you ever felt so frozen inside, like nothing could reach you?" He searched his vocabulary to find a word that accurately described the feeling.

"Sometimes...I don't know...sometimes you're just cold, like so cold you can't breathe, can't think...and you just don't know how to keep yourself warm. You can't drink it away, can't kill it or fuck it away, you just..." Dean took a shaky breath. "Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about."

Cas tilted his head. "Dean, have you ever-"

"No." He shook his head. "I do other dumb shit like get into bar fights with guys twice my size."

"Oh."

"Cas, look at me." Dean's voice was gruff. "I'm gonna ask you a question, and you have to be 100% honest with me. Think you can do that?"

"Yes." He reluctantly met the hunter's intense stare.

"Are you suicidal?" Dean's voice trembled, and Cas could see the worry in his eyes.

"I...I don't know." He answered truthfully. "I'm not necessarily happy about being alive, but I don't think I would be able to kill myself."

Dean nodded slowly. "Okay," There was a moment of awkward silence, and he took the opportunity to grab the first aid kit from under the passenger seat. "Sit down." He ordered.

Cas knew better than to try and argue. He took a seat on the Impala's hood.

"Sleeves up."

"Dean-"

"Now."

Cas winced as he pulled his sleeves back, rolling them up to his elbows.

Dean looked at the many cuts, and the pain was evident in his eyes. "Dammit, Cas."

"I'm sorry." Cas flinched as the hunter cleaned the blood from his arms with alcohol wipes, trying to be careful. He watched Dean's hands bandaging him up. It seemed almost a paradox; that someone so strong, so violent...could be so gentle.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas said quietly.

"Don't mention it." His voice was low and hoarse. "Get in the car. We're going home."

Cas complied, although he found the wording interesting. Dean already thought of the bunker as his home. But the former angel, on the other hand, wasn't sure he would ever truly fit in anywhere.

"Things are gonna change. Okay, Cas? They're gonna get better." Dean sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as Cas.

"If you say so."


	8. Chapter 8

"Where've you guys been?" Kevin greeted them as they walked through the door. "I thought you were gonna negotiate with Douchebag in there."

"We did." Dean said. "He's been translating; we'll go check on him now."

"You still didn't tell me where you were-"

They walked away without answering, and Kevin scowled after them. "No one tells me anything." He muttered.

 

"Crowley! How's it going?" Dean opened the dungeon to find the King of Hell grinning smugly back at them. That was never a good sign.

"Well, the good news is; I was able to translate everything."

"And the bad news?" Castiel asked with a sinking heart.

"The spell is irreversible. There's no way to fix Heaven. You really mucked things up, didn't you, Cassie?"

"You LIAR!" Cas shouted, launching himself at Crowley. "Tell me what it really says. Tell me how to fix things!" He cried desperately.

The demon just laughed. "So eager to redeem yourself. But you can't. Not this time."

Cas felt the panic building. No. It couldn't be true. Hundreds of thousands of his brothers and sisters were walking the Earth, lost and confused...and locked out of their home. He needed to fix this, needed to make things right. He backed away from Crowley.

"That's it, go find comfort in your blade. Or the bottom of a bottle, like this one."

"Shut up, Crowley." Dean snapped, tugging Cas away. "Let's go, man."

"It can't be true. There has to be some way...any way to reverse the spell..." Suddenly his chest seemed to constrict. It felt as if all the air was being squeezed from his body.

"Cas!" Dean quickly shut Crowley back in, and tugged his distraught friend out of the dungeon. The last thing they needed was the King of Hell to witness him having a panic attack.

 

"Breathe,"

Cas leaned on Dean's shoulder. "What...what's happening to me?"

"Panic attack. You gotta calm down."

"I can't!" He cried out. "The angels are stuck here, and it's my fault!"

"Hey, hey..." Dean took Cas's face between his hands, forcing him to look straight ahead. "Cas, you have to breathe."

Castiel looked into Dean's striking green eyes, and forced himself to take deep breaths. He focused on the hunter's warm hands cupping his face, his rough palms brushing Cas's scruff.

"I'm...I'm okay." He said at last.

Dean's hands dropped, but he put an arm around the shorter man's shoulders. "We'll find a way to fix this. Okay, Cas?"

Castiel simply nodded numbly. "I'm going to my room." He said softly, shrugging out of Dean's touch.

"Wait." Dean bit his lip. "Are you sure you don't need...I mean, I'm not sure you should be alone right now."

"I'm fine." He glared, walking out.

Dean stood there and watched him leave, not sure what to do. He wanted to sucker punch Crowley. He wanted to track down Metatron and tear him to pieces. But most of all, he wanted to comfort his friend. He just didn't know how. He didn't do this kind of thing. Cas needed something; he was clearly in a bad place. But Dean had no idea how to help.

 

Dean broke the news to Kevin.

"You think he's lying?" The prophet asked.

"It's Crowley. Of course he's lying." Dean said, although he wasn't so sure. "Either way, it doesn't matter. We'll figure something out."

"Like what?"

Dean sighed. "I don't know yet."

"Awesome."

 

After checking on Sam, who was fast asleep, Dean found himself as Cas's door despite his insistence that he wanted to be alone. Given today's earlier discovery, he figured it would be a good idea to check in on him.

"Cas?" Dean slowly opened the door, and immediately regretted leaving him alone at all.

The former angel was sitting on the floor, leaning up against his bed; angel blade in hand. He was shirtless, and Dean felt sick as he realized Cas's arms weren't the only place he had been harming himself. There were cuts all over his chest and stomach, and it looked like he was about to make some more. The edge of the blade was hovering dangerously above his chest, and for a horrifying moment, Dean wondered if he was going to plunge it into his heart.

"Cas, please put it down." He approached his friend slowly.

"Dean, you weren't supposed to see this." He said hoarsely as he looked at the hunter, blue eyes filled with pain.

"I know. You're not gonna make me watch, are you?" His own voice wavered as he knelt beside his friend, reaching for the blade.

Cas looked down. "No." He surrendered the weapon to Dean, who tossed it across the room.

Dean exhaled shakily. "Dammit, Cas." He helped him to his feet, and pulled him into a hug. He stiffened at first, as if he wasn't sure what to do. But then his arms rose and he returned the embrace, clinging to Dean.

The hunter tried not to think about how intimate this felt. Cas was half naked, for Christ's sake! He could feel the toned muscle just beneath the angel's skin, and it made his heart race.

But why?

Dean pulled away, clearing his throat awkwardly. "You can't keep doing this, Cas."

"I know." He sat down on the bed, suddenly looking very small.

Dean sat next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?" God, it felt so weird to say those words. This was Sam's thing...not his.

"I don't know."

"Come on, dude. I don't know what to do...I wanna help, but you're not giving me a lot to work with." He said honestly.

"I know, I'm sorry." Cas looked miserable.

Dean couldn't help but stare at his bare chest. Not long ago, it had been unmarked; perfect. Now it was covered in wounds in various degrees of healing. He also noticed that Cas's ribs were starting to show. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You need to start taking better care of yourself, man."

Cas laughed bitterly. "When I was an angel, I didn't need to."

"I know, but..." Dean tried to pick his words carefully. "You're one of us now. You've gotta do things a little different."

"Stop harming myself; you mean."

"Well yeah, but not just that...you've gotta sleep. And have you been eating at all? I can see your fuckin' ribs."

Cas looked down at his body self consciously. "I'm ugly now. Jimmy Novak was a beautiful vessel, and I have destroyed him." He said sadly.

Those words broke Dean's heart even further. "You're not ugly!" He raised his voice. "Dammit, Cas! You're fucking beautiful, you hear me? With those blue eyes, and your smile, and that little head tilt you do when you're confused..." He trailed off when he realized what he was saying.

Cas looked at him curiously. "Thank you." He said shyly.

"Yeah," Dean felt a blush rise to his cheeks. "Point is, you're fuckin' perfect. Even as a human. Stop putting yourself down, cause it's not helping."

"I'll try."

"Thanks." Dean sighed. Now was not the time for a sexuality crisis. He would deal with that later. For now, Cas needed him. "I meant what I said about things changing. You need to tell me the next time you feel like hurting yourself. Think you can do that?"

Cas hesitated, but agreed. "Yes."

"I'm serious. I don't care what time it is. Wake me up if you need to. Also, you need to start eating more. Make a list of foods you like, and I'll buy 'em."

"I...don't know what I like." Cas admitted. "Peanut Butter and grape jelly sandwiches are good though."

"Alright, we've got plenty of sandwich supplies. Do a little experimenting, see what you like. That's one of the fun parts about being human." Dean blushed as he realized that could have a double meaning.

Cas nodded. "I would like to try pie. You seem to love it."

"Hell yeah, we can get you some pie!" He grinned.

The angel smiled, and Dean felt his heart flutter. What the fuck, seriously? He really had missed Cas's smile.

"Another thing. I don't think you're getting enough sleep."

Cas avoided his gaze. "I know."

"It's the nightmares, isn't it?" He asked gently.

"Yes."

Dean thought for a moment. "We'll think of something. Maybe Sam's got some sort of sleeping pill you could take...I'm sure there's something that guarantees a dreamless sleep."

"I would appreciate that greatly."

"See, Cas? We've got your back. You just gotta let us help."


	9. Chapter 9

Dean left Cas with Kevin in the library. The prophet was seeing if there was anything more they could learn from the tablet, and he'd convinced Cas that the kid needed company. There was no way in hell he was leaving the angel unsupervised again.

Meanwhile, Dean went to check on Sam. He was worried; Ezekiel had said Sam would be okay, but he looked rough.

"Sammy?" Dean shook his shoulders gently.

"Mmm?" Sam's eyes fluttered open.

"How you feeling?"

Sam struggled to sit up. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, pushing it out of his face. "Like crap. Maybe I caught some sort of bug."

"Or, you know, the Trials-"

"That was a while ago, Dean. It wouldn't be hitting me all of a sudden like this."

He looked away. "Yeah. Just...do me a favor and take it easy, alright?"

Sam made a noncommittal noise. "Anyway, are you okay?" He asked.

Dean snorted. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Come on, man. What's bugging you?"

Damn it, Sam could always tell when there was something on his mind.

"I'm just worried about you. And Cas." He answered truthfully.

"I'll be fine." He smiled weakly, not exactly proving his point. "How's Cas doing?"

"He's..." Dean debated on if he should him or not. He didn't want to betray his friend's confidence, and he hated to give Sam one more thing to stress about.

"What is it? What happened?" Sam frowned, sensing his brother's hesitation.

"We got Crowley to interpret Kevin's doodles, and he says there's no way to restore Heaven."

"Dammit..."

"Yeah. Cas is taking it pretty hard."

"That doesn't surprise me. He probably blames himself for the whole thing."

"Exactly."

"We'll figure something out; we always do."

"That's what I told him, but..."

"But what? There's something else, isn't there?"

"Don't worry about it, kid." Dean stood. "Just get better."

"What happened to being honest with each other?" Sam glared.

Dean flinched at the low blow. "It's not exactly my secret to tell. You'll have to ask Cas about it." He said cryptically, and shut the door behind him.

 

That night, Dean didn't miss how reluctant Cas was to go to sleep. The guy took forever to shower, brush his teeth like four times, and then spend an additional hour just wandering around the halls.

"Dude, it's getting late. You gonna go to sleep?" He cornered Cas in the kitchen.

"Yes."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

He sighed. "One word answers aren't helpful. You know that, right?"

"I'm sorry." Cas looked up at him, and Dean's heart did that weird fliip-flop thing again.

"Come on, let's get you to bed." He guided Cas back to his room.

His friend reluctantly crawled into bed, and Dean went to turn off the light.

"Wait!" Cas cried out, and Dean frowned at the fear in his eyes. "Please keep it on." He said softly.

"Okay, Cas."

 

It was the middle of the night when Dean heard someone come into his room. It didn't matter that he had been fast asleep only moments ago; he'd learned to be a very light sleeper. He reached under his pillow for his gun, but stopped when he heard a soft voice.

"Dean?"

He released his hold on the gun, sitting up and turning on the lamp. "Cas?" His friend was hugging himself, a wild look in his eyes.

"Dean, I can't find my angel blade."

He sighed. "That's cause I took it."

A look of anger and betrayal crossed his face. "You did what?"

"It was for your own protection, okay?" Dean walked over to him. "What do you need it for, anyway?"

Cas stayed quiet.

"That's what I thought." Dean said sadly. "What's going on, man?"

"Nightmare."

"Obviously. You wanna talk about it?"

Cas shook his head vigorously.

"Okay, okay...I get it. That's fine."

"I'm sorry for waking you up. I'll go now."

"Wait," Dean touched his shoulder, and those blue eyes stared up at him; looking even bigger in the dim light. "You're not gonna hurt yourself, are you?"

"I..."

Dean frowned. "Come on," He started pulling Cas out the door.

"Where are we going?"

"You're going back to bed."

Despite his confusion, Cas followed Dean to his own room, and watched as the hunter pulled a chair to his bedside.

"Alright, go on. I'll wake you up if you start having a nightmare."

Cas squinted. "You're going to...watch over me?"

"Yeah, I guess." Dean smirked at the irony.

Cas reluctantly climbed into bed and closed his eyes. Dean watched as his breathing became more regular. He felt like kind of a creep, watching his best friend like this.

But Cas was more than his best friend, wasn't he?

Dean had been trying to fight these feelings for so long, but they were getting hard to ignore. Cas looked so damn cute like this. Hair messed up, burrowed into his blankets...

Dean wasn't gay. He couldn't be; he liked girls way too much. But he couldn't deny the attraction he felt towards certain men too. Men with blue eyes and dark hair. Men like Castiel.

So maybe he was bisexual?

Cas started to stir, and it caught Dean's attention. The angel's face took on a pained expression, and that's when he decided to wake him. "Cas," He said softly, touching his arm.

"Dean!" He cried out, eyes flying open.

"I'm right here, it's okay."

"Naomi..." Cas panted. "You have no idea...how many times she made me kill you." His voice trembled.

"Shh, it's okay...I'm right here...it wasn't real." Dean felt his heart break a little more. He knew Naomi was a bitch, but he didn't know exactly what she'd done to Cas.

"I need it."

"Need what?"

"My blade. Dean, I need it." He pleaded.

"No, Cas...you don't." He took Cas's hand on impulse. "You're stronger than that."

"I'm not...I used to be, but I'm not anymore..." His breathing was starting to become more labored, and Dean worried he was going to have another panic attack.

Swallowing his pride and inhibitions, Dean made a decision. "Scoot over." He said gruffly, climbing into bed with Cas.

"What...what are you doing?" Cas's shock was evident.

"Cuddling. If you tell anyone about this, I'll..." He struggled to come up with a good threat. "I'll stop buying peanut butter."

He could see Cas's little smile in the dim light. "Okay."

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, and held him close. He felt his angel's breathing slowly return to normal, but he didn't move.

He could feel Cas's warm body through the thin material of his Metallica T shirt, and it felt so right. He gently traced the scars on his arms, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He couldn't help but feel like every cut represented all the times he wasn't there for Cas.

But that was gonna change. He wasn't gonna leave the fallen angel to face the world alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Please leave a review! <3


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Cas awoke to the sound of gentle snoring. There was a warm body pressed up against him, holding him close, and it took him less than a second to remember.

 _Dean_.

Had he really stayed all night?

Cas was afraid to move, for fear of waking Dean. So he just laid there. Enjoyed the feeling of the hunter's warmth against his back, the heavy arm wrapped around his midsection. Dean was cuddling him like a child would hold a teddy bear. He smiled at that mental image.

He could feel Dean's breath, hot against his neck. It sent a pleasant shiver down his spine, and Castiel felt his heart rate increase. It was strange; his body's reaction to being so close to Dean.

Suddenly the hunter stirred. He shifted with a confused groan, and Cas turned over just in time to see his green eyes shoot wide open. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and his hair was sticking up in every direction.

_He was beautiful._

"Hello, Dean." Cas greeted.

"H-hey." Dean managed. His morning voice was rough and low, and for some reason this made Cas's breath hitch. He was having very unholy thoughts right now...  
He tried not to show his disappointment when Dean gently removed his arm and sat up, distancing himself.

"So, uh, how'd you sleep?"

"Better than I ever have." Cas replied honestly. After Dean had crawled into bed with him, his sleep was virtually dreamless, devoid of the nightmares that had plagued him since becoming human. He actually felt well-rested for once.

"That's good." Dean nodded awkwardly. "I'm uh, gonna go check on Sam." He swung his legs over the bed and almost tripped on his hurry out the door.

"Okay..." Cas said softly. Had he upset Dean in some way? The hunter was acting strange.

* * *

Dean was surprised to find Sam fully dressed, sitting on top of his bed. "Hey, how you feeling?"

Sam laughed weakly. "I got dressed, made my bed, then ran out of energy." He coughed. "It's frustrating cause I wanna be out helping you guys figure out how to fix Heaven."

Dean sat at the edge of the bed. "Sorry, Sammy. If it's any consolation, I think we'll be doing most of our research from inside the bunker for the next little while."

"Why?"

Dean hesitated. "I don't wanna take Cas out there. Seeing what's happening to the angels...it's just gonna mess him up even more." He confessed. "So if anyone's gonna leave the bunker, it's just gonna be me."

Sam frowned. "What do you mean, 'mess him up even more'? What's going on with him?"

"Like I said yesterday-"

"Not your secret to tell, yeah, I remember." Sam mumbled. "But he's my friend too, and I wanna help him just as much as you do. Why can't you tell me what's going on? Or at least send Cas in here so I can ask him myself."

Dean sighed. Sam had a point. And honestly, maybe he'd be able to help Cas more. He was better at this kind of thing anyway. "Alright, just don't get too upset. It's not good for you to be worried right now, you need to focus on healing."

"I'll be fine, Dean." Sam rolled his eyes.

"You'd better be." He said this in a light tone, but Sam knew he wasn't joking. "Okay, you've probably noticed how skinny Cas is getting, right? And how he always looks like he's tired?"

"Well it's obvious he's not getting enough sleep. But I hadn't noticed that he's lost weight." Sam admitted.

"He wears so many damn layers it's hard to tell. But if you saw him shirtless..." Dean stopped when a smirk crossed Sam's face. "What?"

"When did you see Cas shirtless?" His brother asked, grinning.

"Aw, shut up." Dean felt his cheeks go red. "This is serious, man."

"Sorry. Continue."

"Point is, he looks like a damn skeleton. I think he's having trouble admitting to himself that he's human and needs to eat."

Sam nodded, expression serious once again. "That would make sense."

"And he's not sleeping. He has nightmares every time he closes his eyes. Flashbacks too."

"Sounds like PTSD." Sam said, sympathy evident on his face. "Poor guy."

"Yeah, and that's not the worst of it." Dean swallowed hard. "He's hurting himself, Sammy. On purpose."

"Jesus..."

"Cutting, scratching...you should see his arms, it looks like he got mauled by a freakin' tiger." Dean's voice broke.

"Damn...no wonder you're worried." The look of concern on Sam's face mirrored his own. "What are we gonna do?"

"I wish I knew, man. Maybe we should have him try sleeping pills, see if that would knock him out long enough for him to get a good night's sleep."

"That's a good idea." Sam nodded. "What about the...the cutting?"

"I don't know." Dean shook his head helplessly. "I honestly have no idea."

"Have you asked him why he's doing it?"

"He said he deserves the pain."

"Then we need to show him that he doesn't."

"How?"

Sam hesitated. "I'm not sure yet...maybe remind him of all the good he's done? He's probably reliving his worst moments. He needs to know that he's not the bad guy."

"Yeah." Dean nodded, glad he'd told Sam after all. "Oh, there was one more thing, he said he cuts sometimes after a nightmare. So he knows what's real. He said it kinda grounds him, in a way."

Sam licked his lips and looked away, a sign of anxiety that Dean had come to recognize. "What is it?" He asked with concern.

"Nothing, it's just...a little too relatable I guess."

Dean frowned. "What do you mean? God, Sammy, please don't tell me-"

"Hey, don't worry." Sam said quickly. "It was never like that, exactly...but...after getting out of the cage, after remembering..." He took a shaky breath. "When I was hallucinating Lucifer, sometimes pain was the only thing that would make it stop." He held up his left hand, showing Dean the scar.

"Yeah...I remember. I knew it was bad when you'd start pressing on that scar." Dean said softly. "Hey, he's gone now, right? You're good?" He felt a pang of guilt as he realized It had been a while since he'd checked in with his little brother.

"Yeah, it's not an issue anymore, Dean." Sam reassured. "Sometimes I'll still have a nightmare, and there are certain things that trigger flashbacks, but I don't hallucinate anymore. I'm okay, I promise." He smiled.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god."

"Yeah. So...what are we gonna do about that aspect of Cas's self harm? We should probably research a healthier way for him to figure out what's real."

"That sounds like a great project for you while you're healing up!" Dean's face brightened. "And it might be good for you too."

"Yeah." Sam grinned, happy to have something to do. "Can you hand me my laptop?"

"Sure thing, nerd." Dean walked across the room and retrieved his brother's computer from the desk.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Hey, you should make me some breakfast."

Dean feigned offense. "I'm not your damn maid!"

"Fine, I guess I'll just have to get it myself." Sam smirked, knowing Dean's protective, big-brother instinct would kick in.

"Don't you dare leave that bed, Samuel." Dean warned.

"It's Sam." He made a face.

"Shut your mouth, Samantha. What do you want?"

"Eggs. Toast. Maybe some bacon, if we have any."

"You're spoiled rotten, I hope you know that." Dean mumbled.

"Love you too, jerk."

"Bitch."

* * *

On his way to the kitchen, Dean almost ran into Cas, who was wearing an oversized hoodie. He tried not to think about how fucking cute the angel was; big blue eyes and messy brown hair.

"Hey, how you doing?"

"Fine." Cas said. "How is Sam?"

He seems to be doing okay. Not much better, but I think he'll live. Do you want some breakfast? I was just on my way to make something for him."

"No thank you. I'm not hungry."

"Cas," Dean felt a pang of worry, something that was happening far too often. "When was the last time you ate something?"

Cas didn't respond, and that was answer enough.

"Come on, let's get some food into you." Dean tugged at his arm. "I'm making bacon and eggs for Sammy, and toast. What sounds good to you?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, man."

Cas sighed at the almost pleading look in Dean's eyes. "I'm just being honest. Nothing sounds appetizing. I'll have some coffee though."

"Tell you what, I'm gonna make pancakes. Kevin loves them, you should try them too."

"Alright."

"You wanna help?"

Castiel's eyes widened slightly. "I...don't know how to cook."

"Then it's about time you learned." Dean grinned. "It's not hard. Just follow the directions on the back of this package." He pulled the Pancake Mix out of the cupboard and supplied Cas with a large bowl and some measuring cups.

Dean started on Sam's breakfast while Cas fumbled through the recipe.

As the delicious smell of bacon began to drift through the bunker, Kevin walked in. "Please tell me there's enough bacon for all of us." He said hungrily.

Dean chuckled. "Of course. Cas is making pancakes too."

"Is it my birthday?" Kevin looked genuinely confused.

"Dude, is it really so unusual for me to make breakfast for you?"

In response, Kevin pulled a small flask of Holy Water out of his pocket and sloshed some on Dean's arm.

"Really?!" Dean shook it off, wiping his arm on Kevin's shirt.

Cas laughed.

Dean almost stopped breathing.

How long had it been since he'd heard that laugh? Since Cas went crazy after taking away Sam's hallucinations? Before Purgatory for sure.

God, it was a beautiful sound.

He found himself staring at Cas, not being able to take his eyes off that fucking smile.

"Dean! You're gonna burn the eggs." Kevin nudged him.

"Oh, shit." He quickly took them off the heat and slid them onto a plate for Sam. "Uh, how are the pancakes coming, Cas?"

"I have everything in the bowl. Now I need to 'beat' them. What do I beat them with?"

Kevin reached into drawer and pulled out a wooden spoon. "This. Here you go."

As they made breakfast together, Dean felt something closer to happiness than he'd experienced in years. He had a home. He was surrounded by the people he loved-

 _Wait_.

Did he love Cas? Sure, he'd take a bullet for the guy. But what kind of love was it? Sam was his brother, Kevin was basically family too, but Cas...'best friend' didn't seem to cover it, and he was way too attracted to the guy to call him a brother.

He loved Cas, but was he _in love_ with him?

Falling asleep with his arms wrapped around the former angel seemed way too natural, and waking up next to him was something he could definitely get used to. In fact, it scared him. Dean had almost pressed a good-morning kiss his forehead without even thinking about it. It had him so flustered that he'd practically jumped out of bed to go check on his brother.

"Alright, looks like you two have got this covered. I'm gonna give this to Sam." He said, avoiding Cas's eyes as he walked past.

* * *

When Dean was out of earshot, Kevin looked to Cas. "Hey, what's going on with you two? One minute he's staring at you like you're the prettiest guy he's ever seen, and the next he won't even look at you."

"You think...he thinks I'm...pretty?" Cas stammered.

Kevin snorted. "It's pretty obvious."

"Dean likes women."

"Yeah, but you haven't been paying attention if you don't think he swings both directions."

Cas was sure his face was bright red. "I don't see it."

"Come on, dude. That show he watches, Dr. Sexy? He practically drools over the guy. I think he has a type. Dark hair, blue eyes..." Kevin smirked.

Cas blinked, not sure what to do with this information.

"Hey, don't forget to flip the pancakes." Kevin reminded.

* * *

"Alright, three eggs, four pieces of bacon, and some toast." Dean sat the plate on Sam's nightstand.

"Thanks." Sam looked up from his laptop.

"Finding anything useful?"

"Yeah, a few things. I started researching the sleeping pills first, and I'm not sure it's such a good idea after all."

"Why not?" Dean frowned.

"A lot of these, even the prescription ones, have side effects that include more vivid dreams. The last thing we want is for his nightmares to get worse. Also, they make you wake up kind of disoriented, and I think that would just add to the problem; make it harder for him to know what's real. Plus, if he's suicidal...we don't wanna give him anything he can overdose on."

"Yeah, so sleeping pills are definitely out." Dean shuddered at the thought of losing his angel like that. "Thanks for looking anyway, Sammy. Take a break, have some bacon."

"Pancakes are done!" Kevin hollered from the kitchen.

Dean started towards the door. "That's my cue. You want any?"

"Nah, I think this will be good. Thanks though." Sam waved him out.

He walked into the kitchen to find Cas and Kevin already sitting down to a stack of fluffy, golden brown pancakes. He started loading them up on his own plate. "These look great." He said with surprise.

"Yeah, Cas basically did all the work." Kevin said, shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth.

"Nice job, man."

Cas practically beamed at the praise, looking proud of himself. Dean felt some of his worry dissipate as his friend ate everything on his plate.

Maybe Cas was getting better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on writing at least one more chapter, I already have the idea for it. I just need to find time to get it written. Hopefully I'll have it up tonight. Thank you so much for reading!! Please leave a review. Was it too much Destiel? Too sappy? Leave your thoughts in the comments please! :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to upload this chapter! The holidays get crazy. There's still at least one more chapter coming, so prepare for more feels!

 

Later that day, Sam wandered into the library.

"Woah, what are you doing out of bed?" Dean glared.

"You can keep me from leaving the bunker, not leaving my room." Sam rolled his eyes. "Where's Kevin?"

"He's taking a break from research to play something called a World of Warcraft." Castiel replied, looking up from the book he was reading.

"Perfect timing." Sam pulled up a chair. "Can we talk, Cas?"

"Of course."

"I'll leave you to it." Dean said, shutting his own book.

"Wait, I think you should stay. You might benefit from this too." Sam pointed out.

"Alright." Dean shrugged.

"What's going on?" Cas asked. This felt suspiciously like an intervention.

"Dean told me a little about what you've been struggling with. The nightmares, the...self harm."

Cas scowled at the older Winchester. "You had no right!"

"Hey, I was just trying to help. Sam is better at this shit than I am." Dean said defensively.

"Cas?" Sam said softly. "I'm sorry, but we really are trying to help. We're worried about you."

The former angel felt very uncomfortable with both Winchesters sitting across from him, looking at him like he was fragile; about to break.

"I appreciate your concern, but what can you possibly do?"

"I dunno, maybe help you find a way to cope that doesn't involve slicing your damn skin open?"

"Dean!" Sam gave him a withering stare.

"Sorry," He mumbled.

"I don't expect you to understand." Cas said, refusing to meet their eyes.

"Cas, do you remember when the wall inside my mind broke?" Sam suddenly asked.

His eyes widened. Of course he remembered. It was his fault. He had broken that wall. "Yes." He simply replied. "I'm so sorry-"

"No, that's not where this is going. You weren't yourself. And you made it right, you took the burden from me. Remember?"

"...Yes."

"Before that, I was hallucinating. I was seeing Lucifer everywhere, and sometimes the only way I could distinguish reality from the delusions was to cause myself pain."

Cas looked up in surprise as Sam extended his left palm, revealing a large scar. "I'd press on the cut when things got bad. Sometimes I would pop my stitches open, make myself bleed."

His eyes flickered to Dean, who was clenching his jaw tightly. This couldn't be easy to hear.

"So, yeah. I kinda get it."

"So you understand why I have to do this."

"That's the thing; you don't have to. There's other ways, if you'll just let us show you."

Cas nervously scratched at the cuts under his sleeve. The thought of quitting caused him great anxiety for some reason. But he agreed nonetheless. His condition was obviously very upsetting to Sam and Dean; the least he could do was try to get better for their sake. But there was one problem.

"I still feel like I deserve it."

"Dammit, Cas! You don't need to feel like that, ever. Okay? Yeah, you've fucked things up a few times, but it's over. It's in the past. You just learn from it and move on."

"I must atone for my sins, Dean."

"Not like this." The older Winchester pulled his hand away from his sleeve. Cas looked down and realized there was blood seeping through. He must have reopened one of the cuts.

"I'm sorry." He hated the concerned, heartbroken look on the hunter's face.

And then he realized Dean was still holding his hand.

Sam, oblivious, kept talking. "I think we've all been there, in a way. I felt like I had to fix the things I did while soulless, Dean was a mess after torturing in Hell with Alastair..."

"And I know I haven't exactly been the poster boy for mental health, but I've learned that the best way to 'atone' is to help as many people as you can. You might not be able to go back and change the things you've done, but you can make up for it by doing good. Hurting yourself doesn't help anybody."

"Dean's right." Sam agreed.

"What _good_ can I do? I'm basically useless!"

"Would you stop saying that? It's not true." Dean squeezed his hand. "You might not have your mojo, but you've been around since the beginning of time. You know stuff that we could never find in a book. Plus, you're a damn good shot."

Cas tried to smile, but his mouth only twitched. He wished he could make them understand the hate, the absolute _loathing_ he had for himself.

"Would you at least let us try to help?" Sam asked.

Cas sighed. "Okay,"

"Great. So I've been doing some research..."

Cas was only half listening as Sam described a few different ideas. He was too focused on Dean's strong hand gently holding his, resting on his knee under the table. It was comforting.

"What do you think?" Sam was looking at him.

"Oh. Um, snapping a rubber band against my wrist seems to be my best option."

Dean's lips tightened ever so slightly. "But only just to get you past this, okay? It's still hurting yourself; it's not a permanent solution."

Cas hesitated. "Yes."

"You could try the other stuff first, you know, the breathing and counting or whatever."

"I know."

The truth was, Cas wasn't ready to give up the pain.

"If you feel like cutting, come hang out with one of us...or all of us. You don't even have to say anything, it's just...recognize when you shouldn't be alone." Sam said.

"What about the nightmares?" Cas brought them up because honestly, the dreams were most of the reason he'd turned to self harm in the first place.

"Well..." Sam bit his lip. "I've researched all different kinds of sleeping pills, and they'll definitely knock you out. But they cause more vivid dreaming, which defeats the purpose."

"Yes. I have no trouble falling asleep, it's just the nightmares. So...there's nothing we can do." Cas confirmed hopelessly.

"Don't hesitate to wake one of us up, okay?" Sam said. "We're here to help calm you down, whatever it takes."

"Having Dean sleep next to me last night seemed to help." Cas mentioned.

Sam's eyes widened considerably, and Dean choked on his own spit.

_Oops. Was that supposed to be a secret?_

To Cas's disappointment, Dean's hand slipped off his knee. He felt cold at the sudden loss of contact, and the familiar hollowness in the pit of his stomach returned. Why did he always have to mess things up?

"Um, yeah, if that works. Great, yeah." Sam awkwardly stammered.

"This has been very educational. Thank you." Cas stood. "I'm going to my room now."

"Uh, alright. Just...let us know if you need anything." Sam called after him.

* * *

Once Cas was out of earshot, Sam turned to his brother. "So...you and Cas?" He asked with curiosity.

"It wasn't like that!" Dean hoped he wasn't blushing. "He had a nightmare, and I was afraid he was gonna hurt himself...so I just...did what I could to keep him safe."

Sam shrugged, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips. "Okay. Like I said, whatever it takes." He lowered his voice. "You know...if it ever becomes more than that-"

"Oh God. Goodbye, Sam!" Dean cut him off, almost knocking over his chair in his haste to get out of the room.

He could have sworn he heard quiet laughter as he hurried from the library.

"Shut up, Sammy." He mumbled. Instead of going to his own room, he found himself at Castiel's door once again. He knocked.

"Who's there?"

"It's me, Dean."

The door opened. "I thought the conversation was over." Cas said grumpily.

"Well, yeah...but...I'm just...checking in, you know?"

Cas squinted. "No."

"Come on, man." Dean sighed.

"I don't know what you want from me." Cas huffed. "I sat through your little 'intervention'."

"I just want you to talk to me. You seemed upset."

"Was I not supposed to tell Sam about last night?"

Dean cringed. "Geez, when you say it like that..."

"What? I don't understand. Is it something to be ashamed of?" Cas was confused.

"No, it's just..." Dean struggled to explain. "Usually when two people sleep in the same bed-"

"I'm aware of the sexual implications of 'sleeping together'." Cas snapped. "That's why I said you slept _next to_ me, not _with_ me."

"Well yeah, but that's still a pretty intimate thing. It's not something that friends do."

Cas was quiet, a look of realization crossing his face. "Then...why did you do it?" He asked uncertainly.

"It just...seemed right." Dean avoided Cas's eyes.

"Okay." Cas obviously wasn't completely satisfied with the answer, but he didn't question further. "You can go now."

"You're kicking me out?" Dean joked.

"I suppose." Cas shut the door in his face, and Dean tried not to feel hurt. He didn't know what was going on in Cas's head right now. He could only hope he wasn't in there hurting himself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicide attempt.

Another night, another memory in the form of a dream Castiel couldn't wake from. This one of Metatron stealing his Grace.

At the time, Cas had been preoccupied with the pain, the panic. His throat slit and bleeding while the other angel painfully extracted his Grace. Gasping for breath as his newly human lungs tried desperately to draw in air.

He relived the awful moment. But Metatron's words stood out to him this time.

_"I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife, make babies! And when you die, and your soul comes to Heaven, find me. Tell me your story."_

Cas awoke with a start. His hand flew to his throat, but there was no cut. He could breathe again.

His hands were still shaking.

_But wait._

They needed to find Metatron, and the answer had been in front of him all along! When he died, his soul would go to his own personal Heaven. He knew how to escape the rooms; he knew how to find the escape hatch. He would locate the Scribe of God, and find out how to set things right.

Now all he had to do was die.

He knew he'd promised to get better, but surely his friends would understand. This was bigger than just him. This was about fixing Heaven! This was the way to make amends for what he'd done. With trembling hands, he reached for the pad of paper on his nightstand. He wrote a short note.

_Sam, Dean, Kevin;_

_I found a way to Metatron. I will find him and make things right. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Please do not look for me._

_Castiel_

The note was a bit vague and impersonal, and Cas felt guilty. But they didn't need to know he was killing himself. He had the feeling they would object to that. Especially Dean.

_Dean._

Cas shut out the image of the hunter; green eyes, freckles, strong hands...

_Stop._

Without bothering to get dressed, he slipped his socks and shoes on. He silently made his way through the bunker to the door, cringing as it shut behind him. Hopefully the noise wouldn't be loud enough to wake anyone.

He knew where he had to go, and that he needed to hurry.

* * *

A noise pulled Dean from a deep sleep, and for a moment he lay there trying to figure out where it came from. It sounded familiar...

_Was that the door to the bunker opening and closing?_

He shot out of bed and grabbed the closest weapon, which happened to be a shotgun. His mind raced. Who else knew the Bunker's location? Who would be breaking in? Was it one of Crowley's demons? The place was warded...

He flipped on the hallway lights and started to do a sweep. Soon enough, a confused Sam emerged from his room.

"Dean, what's going on?"

"I heard the door open."

"Are you sure?" Sam yawned sleepily. "What if it was just a dream?"

"I've gotta make sure."

"Okay, I'll help."

"Can you go check Crowley?"

"Yeah." Sam made his way to the dungeon.

"Dude, what the hell? It's two in the morning."

Dean spun around at the sound of Kevin's voice. "Jesus, I almost shot you." He glared.

"Sorry," Kevin rubbed his eyes. "Seriously though, you take paranoid to a whole new level. We're in a secret Bunker in the middle of nowhere. Why are you waving a shotgun around in the middle of the night."

"I heard the door."

The prophet sighed. "Okay. Whatever you say. I'll make sure the Tablet is still safe."

"Crowley is still locked up tight." Sam confirmed, walking into the library.

At that exact moment, Dean realized there was only one person unaccounted for.

_Castiel._

His heart dropped and he all but sprinted to Cas's room. He threw open the door and switched on the light.

The bed was empty.

"Sam!" He cried out.

Both his brother and Kevin were at his side in an instant.

"Where is he?" Sam asked breathlessly.

Kevin walked over to the nightstand, where a pad of paper had a note scrawled on it. "He...figured out how to get to Metatron." The prophet's eyes widened as he read.

"What? Let me see that." Dean snatched the paper from his hands. The writing was messy, almost as if Cas's hands had been shaking while writing.

_Sam, Dean, Kevin;_

_I found a way to Metatron. I will find him and make things right. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Please do not look for me._

_Castiel_

"Dammit, Cas!" Dean swore.

"Why didn't he tell us so we could help?" Kevin shook his head. "I don't get it."

"That stupid son of a bitch." Dean muttered. "Sam, you and Kevin take the car and head towards town, I'll go on foot."

"He didn't go out through the garage, he couldn't have gotten far without a vehicle." Sam pointed out.

"I know, but you're still gettin' better. You shouldn't be walking around out there in the cold. Take the damn car."

* * *

Flashlight in hand, Dean started out. He waved as Sam and Kevin passed him in the Impala.

Where would Cas go?

It depended entirely on how he was going to find Metatron. He wished the note had at least included a clue. They were walking blind here.

Sam and Kevin had gone the quickest route to the nearest town. So Dean took the opposite direction; rural road. He hurried along, looking for any sign of the fallen angel.

And then he came to the bridge.

His heart stopped. There was a figure standing alone in the darkness, and as he grew closer, the guy looked more and more like Cas.

"Castiel!" He called out. The man's head shot up, and he climbed up onto the guard rail. "No, no, no..." Dean ran.

"Dean, don't come any closer."

The hunter stopped a few feet from Cas. "What the hell are you doing, man?"

"This is the only way, I'm sorry." His friend stared down into the black, swirling waters below. It had to be at least a 50 foot fall...and if the impact didn't kill him, the freezing cold water certainly would. He was wearing sweatpants and a thin T shirt, and goosebumps stood out on his skin. The moon was bright tonight, and Cas's blue eyes seemed to shine with a feverish glow.

"I don't understand! Cas, please..."

"When Metatron took my Grace, he told me to find him, and tell me his story when I died. I know how Heaven works, I can get to him up there! I just need to get back to Heaven...this is the only way to do it."

"No, we'll find another way!"

"We are no closer to solving this than the day I fell." Cas shook his head. "I can't wait anymore. I'm sorry." He climbed up to the final rung of the guard rail, and leaned into the wind.

"NO!" A scream ripped it's way out of Dean's throat, and he grabbed the back of Cas's shirt and pulled him back onto the bridge. They fell to the ground, gasping.

Cas tried to get up, but Dean pinned him to the ground, straddling his hips and holding Cas's wrists down.

"Dean-"

"No, Cas. Just stop. Stop." His voice broke. "What made you think this was okay? You didn't even _warn_ me! I would've never had a chance to say goodbye..."

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered.

They stayed like that for a few moments, green eyes staring into blue. Castiel's thoughts were racing, and so was his heart. Dean was so _close._ This really was an intimate position; almost sexual. He hoped his arousal wasn't noticeable.

"I can't breathe very well." Cas said softly. Dean's weight on top of him, plus the weight of what he had almost done...

Dean reluctantly climbed off, and helped Cas to his feet. He pulled out his phone and dialed Sam's number.

"Hey, I've got him. We're headed back to the bunker. I'll fill you in later."

Cas risked a glance towards the edge of the bridge. The overwhelming urge to jump was still there.

This didn't escape Dean's attention, and he impulsively grabbed Cas's hand.

"Please don't." He whispered brokenly.

Cas managed to drag his eyes away, focusing instead on the hunter's hand clutching his own. Dean's touch was warm against his cold skin.

"Come on, let's get you home."


	13. Chapter 13

Cas and Dean were the first ones back to the bunker, but Sam and Kevin weren't far behind. "Cas, what happened?" The younger Winchester questioned.

"I had an idea to get close to Metatron."

"Wow. And you took off in the middle of the night without telling us?" Kevin's eyes narrowed. "We could help you! What exactly does this involve?"

"Tossing himself from the nearest bridge, apparently." Dean interjected.

"Wait, what?" Kevin's eyes widened with surprise and confusion; being the only one who wasn't aware how much Cas was struggling.

"As of right now, Heaven is locked. The only ones who can get in are Spirits. I thought if I could just get there...I might have a chance to confront Metatron." Cas explained, hoping they would see the wisdom in letting him die.

"That's messed up." Kevin shook his head.

"But-"

"But nothing, Cas. It's not worth it. We're not gonna let you kill yourself for something that might not even work." Sam frowned.

"You don't understand, I have to do something!"

"I wouldn't go for that option just yet." A female voice made them all turn their heads in shock.

"Tessa?"

"At your service." She gave a small smile. "I have news."

"Finally! What took you so long?" Dean glared.

She scowled right back at him. "I'm supposed to be undercover, remember? Bartholomew would get suspicious if I ran off to see you all the time. The only reason I managed to come was because I told him I was reaping your soul, Castiel."

"I...have a soul now?" He blinked.

Tessa laughed. "Technically, an angel _is_ a soul. But yes, you're human and have a soul now."

"So, Bartholomew thinks I'm dead..."

"Yes. I will tell him that you committed suicide, and that I guided you to the other side myself. You're warded, so long as you don't run into any other angels, you will be safe. Bartholomew will bring back those who were hunting you."

"Why didn't you think of this sooner?"

Tessa raised an eyebrow at Dean. "The only reason I thought of it at all was because I almost _did_ have to reap Castiel's soul. Keep a closer eye on your angel."

Dean flinched at the reminder of how close he had come to losing Cas.

"Anyway, the news. Metatron has made it known that there is a portal into Heaven. One door, locked and guarded."

Cas exhaled sharply. "Where is it?"

"No one knows." Tessa shrugged. "He keeps moving it. And he is trying to get angels to join him by promising entrance into Heaven."

"He's creating his own army..." Cas breathed.

"Yes. And that's not a good thing."

"We know. Thanks." Dean said flatly.

"A simple, 'you're welcome' would do." Tessa rolled her eyes. "I have places to be. Stay out of trouble."

And she was gone.

"Wow." Kevin breathed. "I've never met a reaper before."

"That's a good thing, kid."

"She was hot."

"Dude, you really need to raise your standards." Dean wrinkled his nose. "She deals with dead things."

"We deal with dead things too." Cas pointed out. "And I lost my virginity to a reaper; April, remember?"

"How was it?" Kevin asked curiously.

"I suppose it was a pleasant experience. Until she stabbed me, that is."

"O-kay, that's enough sharing time for today." Dean tried to attribute the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach to disgust, but truth be told...it was jealousy. And anger, of course. That bitch had used him, and then _killed_ him.

"It's gonna be okay, Cas." Sam put a hand on his shoulder. "We're closer to figuring this out than yesterday, and that's all that matters. Now we can focus our energy on finding that portal."

Cas knew what Sam was really saying. " _There's another way. You don't have to kill yourself."_

"It's late. Let's go back to bed."

* * *

Sam and Kevin shuffled back to their rooms, but Dean followed Cas to his.

"This isn't your room." Cas stated.

"Yeah, I'm aware of that. Thanks." Dean leaned against the doorframe.

Cas sighed. "What?"

"Seriously? You tried to kill yourself less than a half hour ago. Sorry if that makes me a little nervous to leave you alone."

"I still think my way is better; more direct. If I could just-"

"Dammit, Cas! Nothing is worth losing you. You hear me? _Nothing!"_ Dean growled, straightening up and moving towards Castiel in a way that was both thrilling and frightening. Their faces were just inches apart, and Cas had the sudden urge to kiss him...

But instead he took a step back.

"Okay."

"Good." Dean backed up as well. "Go to sleep. Come get me if you have any nightmares. And you'd better not try anything else tonight."

"I won't."

"Promise?" Dean's voice was gruff, but there was fear behind it.

"I promise." Cas stared back into those green eyes. He didn't want to, but he could stay alive for Dean.

_For Dean._

He could do anything, as long as it was for Dean.

* * *

The hunter shut the door behind him, but didn't go back to his own room. Instead, he quietly sunk to the floor. He could've stayed in the chair next to Cas's bed, or even climbed in next to him again...but he didn't want to seem clingy. He needed to Cas to know that he was trusted.

And he did trust Cas, just...not when it came to this.

So he would wait here until morning. Keep guard. He was gonna be sore, but it was worth it.

For Cas.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal ideation and thoughts of self-harm

They spent two days coming up with an action plan to find the portal. Something that powerful would have definite signs, such as miracles in the surrounding area. They looked through the news, and found several locations that looked promising. But the miracles had only lasted a week before stopping. This was consistent with Tessa's story that it kept moving.

So maybe they needed to track down one of Metatron's angels, get some information the hard way.

Cas, naturally, wanted to go with them. But Dean reminded him that he couldn't leave the bunker. What if he was recognized? That would put the angels back on his trail, along with endangering Tessa. They couldn't lose their inside man. (Woman, reaper, whatever)

But then Kevin came to a realization.

"Guys, I figured it out!"

Dean nearly dropped his beer. "Well?"

"I'm a prophet of the Lord, right? When there's a Tablet near, I can feel it. Same with Metatron; I resonate with the Word. I bet if I got close to the Portal, I would be able to tell."

"That's...actually a pretty good point." Sam grinned. It was their first real lead.

"Kevin, you can't go out there. It's too dangerous." Cas frowned. He had grown fond of the boy, and wanted to keep him out of harm's way.

"I'll be fine, Castiel. It's not like I'll be alone." The prophet assured. "Besides, I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, you should have seen what he did to Crowley's demons." Dean smirked. "And he's right, Sam will be with him."

"What about you?"

"We're gonna stay here and keep an eye on Crowley."

"I'm perfectly capable of doing that by myself."

"I know...but-"

"You want to make sure I don't do anything stupid."

"No! Well...maybe. I mean, I dunno." Dean cringed internally. He wasn't really sure what reason to give for staying behind.

"I don't need a babysitter." Cas glared.

As Kevin walked past, he grinned mischievously. "He just needs an excuse to have some alone time with you." He whispered.

Dean pretended not to hear, but his face flushed at the implication.

* * *

Alright, call if you need _anything,_ you hear? If you find the Portal, if you don't find it...just let us know. And get outta there at the first sign of trouble, okay?"

"Dean, relax. We'll be fine." Sam tried to set his brother's mind at ease. "We know what we're doing."

"Yeah...just take care of my Baby." He tossed them the keys, and they were gone.

He and Cas walked back into the library, and there was a moment of awkward silence.

"So...what do you want for lunch?" Dean asked.

"Nothing."

"Cas, you didn't eat breakfast."

"And?"

Dean sighed. Cas had been a little grumpy lately.

"Let me know if you get hungry. What do you wanna do? Watch a movie?"

"Is there anything productive we could be doing instead?"

"Ummm...I guess we could do some research on the Abbadon thing. Let's see what the Men of Letters have on Knights of Hell."

Cas nodded. "That would be a better use of our time."

* * *

After an hour, Dean was dozing off. He didn't mind a little research, but the Men of Letters managed to make everything so _boring._ Like come on, Knights of Hell. Exciting, dramatic, different; right? So why did it all read like a clinical study?"

"I'm gonna make a sandwich. You want anything?"

"No." Cas didn't even look up.

"Okay, suit yourself." As Dean walked to the kitchen, he wondered at what point he would have to start forcing Castiel to eat. He didn't want to, but he wasn't about to let him starve to death either...

* * *

Cas was trying to concentrate, but he just couldn't focus. Thoughts were spinning through his head, and he'd been on the same paragraph for ten minutes. Despite the recent developments in the situation, the urge to self-destruct was stronger than ever.

_Why?_

Maybe because he was still totally useless. Because if it weren't for him, Dean could be out there searching for the portal with Sam and Kevin. Because this whole mess was his fault to begin with.

Because his mind just wouldn't _shut up_ ; playing out thousands of ways he deserved to suffer.

Even if he did recover his Grace, what right did he have to call himself an Angel?

He would be hated and exiled by his own kind forever. What kind of a life was that?

It would be better to die.

"Cas...?"

* * *

Dean walked back into the library, and immediately noticed that something was wrong. Cas was staring off into space, a haunted expression on his face. He was snapping a rubber band on his wrist so hard it was leaving red welts. But he didn't even flinch. It was like he couldn't even feel it.

"Cas...?" He set his sandwich down on the table and gently took hold of his friend's hand, stopping the repetitive motion of the rubber band smacking against his already raw skin. "Hey, what's going on? Are you having a flashback?"

"No." He said softly, but offered no other explanation.

Dean pulled his chair closer to Cas, not moving his hand. "Talk to me. What's goin' on in that brain of yours?"

"Nothing."

"Cas, please..."

"I wish to harm myself."

"Yeah, I kinda got that." Dean said sadly, examining the welts on Cas's wrist.

"No, you don't understand. I wish to inflict a fatal injury upon myself." He stated, looking at the hunter with absolute _misery_ in those faded blue eyes.

Dean exhaled sharply. It felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "Cas, you can't mean that..."

"I do. I want to _die._ I want to kill myself. It would be better for us all-"

"Stop!" Dean begged. "Cas, please. We need you here. _I_ need you here."

"No, you really don't." Cas laughed without humor. "Without me, none of this would have happened. I don't deserve the title of 'Angel', even if we do get my Grace back. I will never belong in Heaven again. I have murdered thousands of my own kind. Bartholomew was right to hunt me. I deserve to die, to suffer."

"Stop! That's not true!" Dean took Cas's face in his hands, like he'd done when calming him down from the panic attack. "Castiel, you do _not_ deserve that shit. You don't deserve anything that's happened to you."

Cas wanted to say something, to protest Dean's blind faith in him...but he couldn't. How could he accurately describe the overwhelming feeling of guilt? Of not belonging anywhere?

"Listen to me. I don't care what anyone else says; you're not a bad person. Or a bad angel. _Everything_ you've done has been for the greater good, even if it backfired on you. You did it for the right reasons!"

"Regardless of consequences."

"Yeah, but how could you have known what Metatron was really planning? "

"I should have-"

"Should've what? There's no instruction manual for that. He's the Scribe of God! You had no way of knowing!" Dean kept one hand on Cas's face, and the other strayed down to grab the hand that had started to slap the rubber band against his wrist once again.

"You're the best angel I've ever known. From the beginning, your mission was to protect us; the humans. And you're the only one who's actually taken that mission seriously."

"I've disobeyed orders-"

"Yeah, fucked up orders! You think for yourself! You don't just blindly follow, and that's one of the things I love about you!"

Cas's eyes widened slightly, and Dean realized what he'd just said.

Fuck it. It was true, wasn't it?

"So I don't wanna hear anymore bullshit about deserving pain, or being a poor excuse for an Angel. Got it? Cause you're the best damn angel that's ever walked this earth."

"Thank you," Cas said softly.

"No problem. Jesus, you're shaking...Come on, let's get you something to eat." As Dean guided his angel to the kitchen, he kept Cas's hand in his. He realized he'd been doing that a lot lately...

Christ, he couldn't even remember the last _girl_ he'd held hands with. It seemed so intimate, so personal. It was a sweet gesture, so different than the one-night-stands he was used to.

But he never wanted to let go of Cas.

The guy was a frickin' angel of the Lord. A soldier centuries old. So why did Dean feel the need to protect him, hold him close?

Probably 'cause he looked like a lost puppy; those big blue eyes following the hunter's every move. His slender frame, shaking from hunger and emotional exhaustion.

The guy was a fucking wreck.

But he was Dean's wreck. And he wouldn't rest until Cas was okay again.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean waited to call Sam until Cas fell asleep that night. His brother answered on the second ring.

_"This is Sam."_

"Hey, man. How'd it go today?"

" _Good, actually. Kevin and I made it to Minnesota, and found the site where the portal was. It was awesome, we got within a ten mile radius, and Kevin took us the rest of the way."_

"But it wasn't the current location?"

" _No, Kevin said it felt...hollow. Like power had once been there, but was gone."_ He could hear the disappointment in Sam's voice.

"It's okay, we'll try figure out a pattern and predict where it's gonna be next." Dean paused. "How are you feeling, Sammy?"

" _Oh, I'm good. Don't worry about me."_

"I'm sorry, have you met me?"

Sam chuckled. " _Seriously, dude. I'm fine. Not at 100%, but I can definitely hold my own. I don't know what you told Kevin, but he's almost as bad as you. He's been on my case all day; asking if I need a break and making me drink like five gallons of water."_

 _"_ Water is good for you! It'll help you get better."

" _I know, but this is a little much."_ Dean smiled at the image of the young prophet trying to get Sam to take it easy. _"So how are things there? How's Cas?"_

Dean lowered his voice. "Not good. He's really messed up. Like, suicidal."

" _Well, yeah...I mean, he tried to jump off a freakin' bridge. That's why you stayed behind."_

"That was different. He was trying to get to Metatron...dying with a purpose, you know? This afternoon, he straight up told me he wants to die 'cause he hates himself and doesn't think he deserves to be alive."

There was a shocked silence for a moment. _"Wow. It's worse than we thought."_

"No kidding."

_"You talked him through it, right?"_

"I tried...I dunno how much he actually believed."

 _"Maybe it would help if you told him...how much he means to you."_ Sam's voice had taken on that tone; the one he used when trying to word things carefully so Dean wouldn't be pissed.

"He knows! I keep telling him that we need him, that he's family."

" _No, Dean. What he means to **you** specifically."_

"Sam, I know where you're going with this, and-"

" _And what? Dean, I've seen the way you look at each other. You've had something special from the beginning. Think about it. If Cas were in a female vessel, you would've gotten together years ago."_

Well, he wasn't wrong... "Sam, please just drop it." He was too tired for this shit.

" _He's in love with you, Dean! I don't know how you've missed it. Hell, maybe you're just choosing to ignore it. But you can't do that anymore. He needs you!"_

"Goddammit, Sam! Don't you think I want that? Fine, I admit it. I love him. But sometimes love's not enough."

His brother was silent, and for a minute Dean thought he'd hung up.

"Hey, you still there?"

_"Yeah, it's just...I don't think I've ever heard you say you loved someone."_

"Shut up." Dean said irritably. "It's not like it matters. It's never gonna happen."

_"Why not?"_

"Because! He's not in a healthy place, Sam. And neither am I, if we're being completely honest. Every relationship I've had has ended _horribly._ I mess things up. I hurt people. I can't lose him. I just...I can't."

" _Think about everything you've been through together in the past six years. Literal life or death situations. Betrayal, hurt, even **death!** And you're still friends. I don't think that's gonna change."_

"It's just...there's so much going on-"

_"And there always will be. There's never gonna be an ideal time. Not the way we live."_

Dean anxiously rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you really think it'd help him?"

" _I do. You've been sending a lot of mixed signals. You really do need to talk to him about it, one way or the other."_

"Mixed signals?" Dean's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Sam snorted. _"Are you serious? I've seen you guys holding hands. And you frickin' slept together! And don't even get me started on the eye-sex..."_

"Okay, okay...And we didn't sleep together, we just..."

_"Slept together. Yeah."_

"Whatever." Dean mumbled.

Sam chuckled. " _Let me know how it goes. It's late, I'll talk to you tomorrow."_

"Alright. G'night, bitch."

" _Night, Jerk."_

* * *

Before Dean went to bed, he checked on Cas. He was happy to see his angel fast asleep, no sign of nightmares. He looked so peaceful, and Dean almost wished he could stay that way forever.

He left his door open that night, so he could hear if Cas needed him.

Dean Winchester had faced ghosts, monsters, demons, and even the Devil himself. But somehow, he was still afraid of a silly little thing called love.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm

Cas could handle the pain.

He could take the anger.

He was even managing the guilt.

But how was he supposed to deal with feeling completely numb?

He couldn't remember his dreams from that night. Maybe he'd actually slept soundly for once. But he awoke with a feeling of utter exhaustion. It felt like his body was too heavy to move. He couldn't even muster the energy to lift himself up.

Like his will to live had been completely drained.

He wasn't suicidal. He wasn't going to kill himself. But as he lay there, he prayed for death. He prayed to his absent father to smite him, to just end it all.

He waited for Death.

But got Dean instead.

* * *

The hunter let Cas sleep as long as he wanted. He'd woken up a few times to check on him during the night, and was glad to find him sound asleep every time.

But around 10:00 that morning, he started to worry. Cas never slept this late.

He walked into the room, and saw that his friend was actually awake. He was lying on his side, still curled up in the fetal position. His eyes were open, but glossed over in a sightless gaze. The only indication he was alive was the slight movement of his ribs as he breathed.

"Cas?" He walked over and waved his hand in front of the blue-eyed stare.

He finally blinked, but that was all Dean got for his efforts.

"Hey, you okay?"

Cas gave a noncommittal grunt.

"What's going on? What's wrong?"

Rather than try to explain the soul-crushing despair, Cas managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. It took every ounce of energy he had to reply, "Nothing. I'm fine."

Dean knew that was a lie, but it didn't seem like Cas was gonna cooperate very well.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Nothing."

Dean felt his frustration rising. "Cas, you've eaten like two things in the past 24 hours. You're gonna starve to death!"

"So?"

The way he said it...so detached, like he didn't even care, just pissed Dean off further.

"You may not give a shit, but I do. Okay? I'm gonna get you some toast, and you're gonna fucking eat it." He snapped.

* * *

Cas sighed deeply as Dean left the room. The hunter was clearly upset, and it wasn't a surprise. He knew he was being difficult.

It needed to stop.

But how could he fight the icy numbness that had wrapped itself around his heart?

Perhaps the same way he chased away the pain and anger.

* * *

By the time Dean reached the kitchen, he remembered they'd finished off the loaf of bread last night and forgotten to take a new one out of the freezer. He got it out and left it on the counter to thaw, hurrying back to Cas's room. He didn't want to leave him alone for long; his behavior this morning was concerning.

He'd been right to worry.

As the hunter stepped back into the room, his heart dropped and his stomach turned.

Cas was covered in blood.

He was holding a small hunting knife, cutting into his arms with a twisted expression of ecstasy on his face. He'd already made several deep cuts, and it didn't look like he was stopping.

"Cas!" Dean cried out, launching himself across the room and snatching the blade away. "What the fuck? I was gone for two minutes, where did you even get that..."

"Give it back!" Cas protested weakly.

"No fucking way." Dean grabbed his arms a little too roughly, eliciting a sharp gasp from Cas. "Sorry," He mumbled, examining the damage. "Jesus, man...how did you manage that in less than five minutes?" There were three cuts on his right forearm, each pretty deep. But it was his left wrist that was the most concerning. Five horizontal slashes, definitely needing stitches. They were gushing blood. He wrapped Cas's sheets tightly around the wounds,

"I'm getting the fist aid kit. Don't fucking move."

As Dean ran to Sam's room for the one the with the sutures, he realized that Cas probably _couldn't_ move. God, he was so pale...

"Hey, hey...stay with me!" Cas was leaning against the headboard, eyes shut. He was white as a sheet, a sharp contrast to the blood surrounding him. His chest was barely rising and falling.

Dean wondered if he should take him to a hospital. But that would be too dangerous, he couldn't let Metatron or Bartholomew's minions find him while he was weak.

So he stitched Cas up. Cleaned the blood from his arms, and just sat there next to him, shaking. "Dammit, Cas...you promised."

"I don't think I was trying to kill myself." Cas said quietly.

"You slit your fucking wrists! What did you think would happen?"

"I didn't do it vertically."

"Thank God. But still, why the hell would you do that? And so deep..."

He took a shuddering breath, still looking a little too pale for Dean's liking. "I just wanted to feel something."

"Cas..." Dean swallowed hard. "If you want to feel something, feel the _good_ things!"

"Like what?" Cas chuckled bitterly.

"Well, for starters..." Dean felt a sudden nervousness as the idea came to mind. He tried to tell himself that this wasn't selfish, it was to help Cas too.

_For Cas._

He leaned forward, until their noses were almost touching. Cas's eyes were locked onto his, deep blue showing confusion. Dean's gaze flickered down to that perfect mouth, and he pressed their lips together before he could talk himself out of it.

The kiss was gentle, but there was a passion behind it. An unspoken desperation after hiding this feeling for _years._ Cas made a small noise of surprise, but it faded into a whimper against the hunter's mouth as he leaned into the touch. Dean's hand came up to brush across his angel's jaw, feeling the rough shadow of stubble.

He pulled away for air, breathless smile plastered onto his face.

Cas had a similar expression. His lips were still slightly parted, and he stared at Dean in awe. Some color was finally returning to his cheeks, a rosy blush.

"Dean," He breathed.

"Was...was that okay?" The hunter asked nervously.

"Very much so." Cas grinned.

"Good." Dean felt a weight come off his shoulders.

"That was a very good feeling, thank you."

"Yeah, anytime."

"Is that something...friends do?" Cas's smile had faded and he was gazing at Dean with uncertainty in his eyes.

"Not exactly..."

"Are we not friends?" There was slight panic in this question.

"Hey, it's okay...I'd like to think that we're a little bit more than just friends." Dean clarified, taking Cas's hand. "If...that's okay with you." He added.

"Definitely."


	17. Chapter 17

As the euphoria wore off, Dean looked around and realized that Cas's bed looked like a fuckin' murder scene.

"We should probably get this cleaned up."

"I'm sorry." Cas looked down.

"It's okay...I mean, it's not, but you know." Dean bit his lip. "How are your arms?"

"They hurt." Cas's voice sounded strained, and he still looked a bit pale. "But it's okay. I'll be okay."

"I'll get you some painkillers." Dean stood.

"Wait," Cas wouldn't let go of his hand. "Don't leave me."

"But-"

"They don't hurt that bad."

Dean sighed, and sat back down. "Cas, you scared the shit out of me. Please promise me you won't do this again."

Cas looked conflicted. "It is likely I will make another attempt." He admitted.

"Why?" Dean's face fell.

"It's not you," Cas replied quickly. "It's just...I don't think I will recover overnight, even with you helping me."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Dean said dejectedly.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's okay, just talk to me next time. Let me help you." Dean pleaded. "I can't lose you." His voice broke.

"You won't." Cas initiated the kiss this time. Dean's lips were so warm, so soft...He didn't think he could ever get enough. He loved the way Dean's cheeks flushed red, his green eyes slowly looking up beneath dark lashes as their mouths parted. God, he was beautiful.

"Wow." The hunter panted. "Where'd you learn that?"

"From the pizza man." Cas confessed.

Dean laughed. "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that."

Cas smiled. It was good to hear him laugh again.

"Dean, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"What...are we exactly? I'm not sure how to...process the particular cues I'm getting from you. I thought you were heterosexual."

Dean looked slightly uncomfortable. "Let's get this cleaned up, give you something for the pain, then we'll talk."


	18. Chapter 18

Cas was laying on Dean's bed. The hunter had helped him change into clean clothes, and was currently stripping the blood-soaked sheets from his bed to throw in the wash.

He felt horrible.

He really hadn't meant to cut that deep. The look on Dean's face when he walked in and saw...the absolute terror...he didn't think he'd ever forget it.

God, it hurt. He'd hardly felt the blade slicing through his skin, but now it seemed as though his arms were on fire.

"Hey, Cas."

He opened his eyes. "Dean," His voice came out rough, and he could hear the pain in it. He knew Dean could too.

"I brought you something."

He looked at the two little white pills. "No."

Dean's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"I did it to myself, I will deal with the pain."

"That's bullshit!"

"I deserve it."

"Would you stop saying that?" Dean raised his voice. "You keep saying you deserve pain, but you really don't! Would you stop for one goddamn second and think about this? It's not just hurting you."

Cas frowned. He hadn't thought about it that way, but the hunter was right. It was obviously very distressing to Dean to see him in pain. He knew that if their roles were reversed, it would definitely hurt Cas to see Dean this way.

"Okay." He extended his palm for the drugs, wincing a little.

"Thanks." Dean helped him take a sip of water to wash them down.

"I'm sorry for depleting your supply of painkillers."

"Don't worry about it, man. It's just Oxy. Really not that hard to get, if you know the right people. We've got plenty of it."

"Thank you."

Dean nodded. "Hey, I'm gonna get you some toast. You really shouldn't take this stuff on an empty stomach."

"And then we'll talk?"

The nervous expression returned, and it made Cas wonder if he'd said something wrong. But Dean simply replied, "Yeah. Then we'll talk. I'll be gone for like five minutes, please be safe."

As he added that last sentence, Cas knew he was remembering the bloody scene that had greeted him last time he went to get food.

"I will."

* * *

While he was gone, Cas took the time to think about what to say. How to express the emotion he felt for Dean. He wondered if it would scare him away...to tell him that he loved him.

In the end, he decided it would be best for Dean to do most of the talking. He seemed more conflicted about his feelings.

"Here you go." The hunter came back, looking relieved that Cas hadn't moved. He handed him the toast, and watched as his angel started to take small bites.

Cas tried not to let him see how difficult it was to simply maneuver food into his mouth. His arms felt so heavy, and they still burned. He wondered if he had damaged anything serious.

Dean anxiously ran a hand through his hair. "I'm...not really sure what to say. I've never been good at this."

"Why did you kiss me?" Castiel asked. It should have been a simple enough question, but Dean's eyes widened and he looked flustered.

"I...wanted to show you that there are good things to experience...you don't have to hurt yourself to feel something."

"That was a good demonstration. Thank you."

Dean blushed, and Cas had to smile. It was very endearing.

"But...but it wasn't just that. I mean, I wanted to. Kiss you, I mean. I've wanted to for a while."

Cas tilted his head as Dean tried to explain it. "Why?"

"Jesus, Cas...do I have to spell it out? I like you, okay?"

"Like..."

"Like I'm attracted to you. And it's more than that; I care about you."

"You're attracted to me? But this body is male."

"Yeah, I noticed." Dean mumbled, somewhat irritably. "But I'm not gay."

Cas was confused. "If you're attracted to me-"

"I guess I'm into both. Mostly girls. I mean, I thought I was 100% straight...But the older I got, the more I realized that maybe I wasn't just admiring other guys, like in a jealous sorta way...maybe I was actually...you know, attracted to them."

Cas listened intently. Dean was clearly bothered by this. "Do you have a problem with homosexuality?"

"No!" He looked mildly offended. "I mean, I'm not one of those guys who thinks gays are going to hell. Charlie is one of my best friends, and she's a lesbian."

"Then why is this troubling you so much?"

"My dad...he wasn't exactly homophobic, but I could just _tell_ that he looked down on them."

"That's probably why it's taken you so long to accept your own sexuality." Cas observed.

"Maybe." Dean couldn't quite meet his eyes. "Just...tell me this... ** _is_ ** it a sin? What does God...or Heaven think of it?"

"God was indifferent to sexual orientation." Cas shrugged. "Parts of the Bible were translated incorrectly, and the verse condemning homosexuality was one of them."

Dean looked a little relieved. "That's good."

"Yes."

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't exactly fit the gender-binary." Cas added. "In Heaven, angels aren't assigned a gender, we're just..."

"Multidimensional wavelengths of Celestial intent?" Dean finished his sentence, smiling a little.

"Yes," Cas laughed quietly. "However, I have only ever inhabited a male vessel...so I think my gender identity here on earth is male."

"So you've never wanted to be a girl?"

Cas raised an eyebrow. "No. I think I'm happy with my vessel. Or, body. I suppose it's mine now." He paused. "Does that bother you? I mean, once I get my grace back I could find a female-"

"No." Dean said firmly. "You're perfect. Just the way you are."

Hearing him say that made Cas's heart feel funny. But it was a good feeling.

Suddenly, a look of nervous realization crossed Dean's face. "I...never really asked you...how you feel about me. Cause if we're not on the same page, this conversation doesn't really matter, and-"

"Dean, stop." Cas took his hand. "I love you."

The hunter's mouth fell open slightly, his green eyes wide with surprise, and another emotion that Cas couldn't quite identify.

"I'm sorry, was that too forward?" He felt anxiety prick at his own mind.

"No...It's just..." Dean looked slightly ashamed. "I haven't said that to someone...in forever. That last person was my mom."

Cas's heart ached for the hunter. "You haven't told anyone you loved them since you were four years old?" He asked sadly.

"No...not even Sammy." He admitted.

"It's okay, you don't have to say it back. Not until you're ready. I mean, if you do feel that way."

"I do...I just...can't say it." Dean seemed frustrated with himself. "I care about you more than anything...except maybe Sam."

"That's a given." Cas squeezed his hand to let him know it was okay. He understood that the younger Winchester would always come first. "He's your brother. You've been looking out for him since he was a child."

"You're the first person who's ever really understood that. Thank you."

"Of course." Cas smiled sleepily. Suddenly his eyelids were drooping, and he yawned.

Dean looked amused. "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Oxycodone has a tendency to knock people out."

"Thanks for the warning." Cas mumbled.

"Well hey, do you feel any better?"

"Not in pain." Cas replied. "And I'm good. I'm okay. Because I love you." He realized he was getting a little loopy, and should probably stop talking.

Dean laughed, a look of adoration in his eyes. Cas felt indescribable joy as he recognized that emotion was directed towards him. No one had ever looked at him like that before.

The last thing he remembered was the hunter leaning down to gently kiss his forehead.

And he drifted off with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As soon as I finished this chapter, I realized there's a little inconsistency. In a previous chapter, Dean tells Sam that he loves Cas. So it's not like he hasn't admitted love for someone before...it's just been a while since he's told the object of his affection that he loves them. Just to clarify. If that makes sense. Idk. Sorry.
> 
> Also, there will be more to this story! Suicidal thoughts and depression don't go away just because someone loves you. It's a hell of a lot more complicated than that. I'd like to follow up on Cas's recovery, and how Dean helps him through it, but doesn't make it all better. Cause that's not how it works. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I wanted to apologize for the time it's taken me to get this next chapter written. I started my first semester at college, and I'm already freaking out. I mean, I can write fanfiction easily, but for some reason I struggle with essays and writing assignments. Oh well. Enough about me. CUE THE DESTIEL.

After Cas passed out, Dean just watched him for a little while. His head was still spinning. It felt like a dream. Had Cas really just admitted to loving him?

And he couldn't even say it back.

Dean was angry with himself for that. Four little words. " _I love you too."_ Was it really that hard?

Yes.

Because the last person he'd said that to had died, horribly.

But chances were, Cas was already screwed. Crowley was right; the people around him didn't have much in the way of a lifespan. He just hoped he could protect the angel. From himself as well as outside threats.

Jesus, all the blood...when he walked in that room and saw Cas carving himself up, he'd nearly had a heart attack. Son of a bitch really did a number on himself this time.

He was trying...he really was. So why wasn't Cas getting any better? Why couldn't he talk instead of opening up a vein?

Maybe things would be different now. Maybe now that he knew he was loved, he would start to improve.

Dean hoped Cas knew. Understood that even though he couldn't say it, he was head over heels for the guy.

The longer he sat there, staring at his unconscious angel, the more emotional he got. So he abruptly stood and left the room, leaving the door open. He would check on Cas in a while, after the Oxy started to wear off.

His hands shook as he dialed Sam's number. He needed an update, something to get his mind off Mr. Comatose.

_"Hey, Dean. What's up?"_

"Not much, you know, just checking in. How are things going?"

 _"Eh, nothing to report. We're just looking for more places the Portal could've been, trying to map out a pattern."_ Sam paused _. "What's wrong?"_

"Christ, seriously, Sammy?"

 _"What? I've known you my entire life, I can tell when something is off_."

Dean sighed in exasperation. "Yeah, no kidding."

 _"So what is it? Is it about Cas?"_ He could hear the smirk.

"Yeah...he hurt himself again."

The playful undertone completely disappeared from Sam's voice. " _What? Why? How bad?"_

"I...I don't know, it was the weirdest thing, man. He just laid in bed, for hours. He wouldn't even move. I left for like two minutes, _two minutes!_ And when I came back, he had a knife..." Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. "He really did some damage. Needed stitches and everything. I think he hit a vein."

" _Fuck...Do you think he was trying to kill himself?"_

"I...don't know...I don't think he even knows. He said he just wanted to feel something."

_"How's he doing now?"_

"He's okay, I think. I gave him some Oxycodone, so he's passed out."

" _Before you drugged him, did you talk to him? He doesn't just need medical attention, Dean_."

"I know! Yeah, we talked."

" _And?"_

"Does there have to be an 'and'? Just drop it." Dean said irritably.

" _Something happened_."

"Maybe it's none of your damn business."

" _You know I'm gonna keep bugging you until you tell me, right?"_

"Yeah, cause you're a pain in the ass."

Sam chuckled. _"Yeah, that's what brothers are for. Come on, man. You can trust me."_

"I know."

_"So...what happened?"_

Dean felt himself blushing, and he was glad Sam wasn't here to see it. "I...kissed him." He admitted.

Shocked silence followed that statement. " _Are you serious? Cause if you're just trying to screw with me-"_

"I'm serious, Sam. He said he wanted to feel something...I was just trying to help."

_"Wow."_

"Shut up."

" _Well, what happened after that? Did it help?"_

"I dunno, I think so."

" _Did you at least talk about it? Cause that's not really helping the whole mixed signals thing you've got going on_."

"Shit, dude. Do you have to know every detail?"

 _"It's Cas. He's not in a good place right now, you need to be careful_ -"

"You think I don't know that?" Dean snapped. "Yes, we talked about it. He...he said he's in love with me."

_"Oh my God. I knew it."_

"Shut up." Dean repeated.

 _"That's awesome though! I'm happy for you guys."_ Sam hesitated. " _Wait...you did...say it back, right?"_

"I..."

" _Dean!"_

"What? I couldn't..." Fuck, he felt bad enough already. He didn't need his brother harassing him about it. "He knows. I told him that I care, and we talked about how it's not just girls that I'm into."

" _Still."_

"I don't have to say it for it to be true."

" _Yeah, but it certainly helps."_

"I'm working on it, okay?"

 _"Okay...just be careful."_ Sam said again. " _If this goes South, it's gonna be in a big way."_

"Why do you think I was so reluctant to get involved with him in the first place?" Dean grumbled.

" _F_ _or what it's worth, I'm proud of you."_

"Oh, save it for the Chick Flick."

" _Shut up."_ Sam laughed. " _Kevin and I are about to check out this place in Boulder. I'll call you back later."_

"Alright, let me know what you find."

Well, the secret was out. It was actually kind of a relief. He knew his brother would have his back no matter what, but it was still nice to hear that he wasn't homophobic like their old man. He didn't know why he even worried. Sammy had always been different; more accepting. Hell, he'd noticed the connection between him and Cas before Dean had.

He spent the next few hours switching between checking on Cas, reading lore, and eating pie. What could he say? It was comfort food.

Finally, he gave in and just sat next to the angel. He wanted to be there when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol. I just noticed that it took me an hour to write this chapter. It took me SIX HOURS to write a five paragraph essay earlier today. Fuck my life. Why am I like this


	20. Chapter 20

Cas came to consciousness with the distinct feeling that he was being watched. He might not be an angel anymore, but somehow even humans had this sort of sixth sense. It wasn't an ominous presence, but a comforting one. And when he opened his eyes, he wasn't surprised to see Dean sitting at his bedside.

"Hey, how you feeling?"

Cas was tempted to lie, but he knew the hunter would continue to ask until he got a truthful answer.

"The pain in my wrists seems to be returning, but it's not bad like it was." He paused. "And my head feels funny."

Dean frowned. "What kind of 'funny'?"

"Hazy...I think would be the best way to describe it."

"That makes sense. It's just a side effect. You'll be okay."

Cas nodded, trying to shake the fog that was clouding his mind. "You haven't been here the whole time, have you?"

Dean chuckled. "Nah. I called Sam to see how they're doing."

"Any news?" He was almost afraid to ask. He didn't want to get his hopes up.

"They're making progress. Kevin is basically a Heaven-detector, he's found four places where the Portal has been so far. They're mapping out a pattern to try and see where it'll be next. They're in Colorado right now."

"That's a good start. How is Sam doing?"

"He seems to be okay. He's definitely doing a lot better than he was, and Kevin is making sure he stays that way."

"Good." Cas tried to sit up, but quickly discovered that his arms were too weak to even brace himself up. He gasped at the sudden pain.

"Woah, what are you doing?" Dean reacted immediately, taking the pressure off his arms by propping him up to a sitting position, leaning against the headboard.

"If they're getting close, we should join them." Cas said through clenched teeth.

"Dude, look at yourself. You're in no condition to be out there. And we've talked about this; everyone thinks you're dead."

"The portal will most likely be sealed with a sort of riddle, or code. A Heavenly one. What if they can't crack it? I could be of assistance."

"That's what cell phones are for." Dean reminded. "Besides, we have a Reaper. If they can find the portal, Tessa can get in and see what's going down on the other side."

Cas knew he was trying to help; provide reassurance that things would be okay. But he only felt worse. "So I'm basically useless, is what you're saying."

"No!" Dean frowned. "That's not what I mean, and you know it."

"I know. But it's the truth."

"How many times are we gonna have to have this talk?" Dean asked with frustration.

"I'm sorry. I'll stop talking now."

The hunter sighed. "For fuck's sake, Cas..."

He could tell Dean was getting upset, so he tried to change the subject. "Those pills you gave me...what were they?"

"Oxycodone. Why?"

"I didn't dream."

"Well yeah, cause you were basically unconscious."

"I would like more. To help me sleep at night. Maybe it could stop the nightmares-"

"NO." Dean practically shouted, an emotion close to panic in his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." Cas's stomach sank as he watched Dean regain his composure. The last thing he wanted was to cause more distress.

"It's okay...I'm sorry I yelled." Dean took a shaky breath. "It just...reminded me of something, that's all."

"What did it remind you of?" Cas asked hesitantly.

"You. A different you."

"I don't understand."

The hunter sighed. "Remember the Apocalypse?"

"How could I forget?"

"Well, Zachariah did all sorts of things to get me to say yes to Michael. One of the worst...he sent me to the future."

Cas's eyes widened. "You never told me this."

"I never told anyone. It's not something I like to think about."

"I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me anyth-"

"No, I think you need to hear this." Dean continued. "It was like this alternate reality where Sam said yes to Lucifer, and the world had just gone to shit. The Croatoan virus took over, and there was this little band of survivors trying to get by."

Cas listened intently. His 'brother' Zachariah had been a manipulative bastard. He was almost afraid to hear what atrocities he'd subjected Dean to.

"You were there...but different. You were basically human, and stoned out of your freakin' mind most of the time. You were a pot-smoking, pill-popping hippie, dude. You were even having orgies. It was fucking bizarre."

Cas blinked. "That doesn't sound like me at all."

"Exactly. At first, I thought it was kinda chill. Even a little funny. But the longer I was there, the more I realized you were miserable. You were trying to dull the pain the only way you knew how. And you were killing yourself." He swallowed hard. "Not so different from what's going on now."

"Dean, I'm so sorry..."

"I mean, I'm not sure which is worse, the drugs...or...or the cutting. But I'll be damned if I let you get addicted to both." His voice broke, and Cas took his hand.

"Dean, it wasn't real. I mean, it could've been, but things didn't go that way. It's okay, I'm okay."

"But you're not." He said softly.

"At least I am not a 'pot-smoking, pill-popping hippie'." Cas said gently, trying to lighten the mood.

It worked, eliciting a small smile from Dean. "Yeah, and we're gonna keep it that way."

Cas nodded. "I understand. I will only take the painkillers when needed."

"Thanks." The hunter squeezed his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems like this chapter just dropped off, but I'm falling asleep lol. I know it's a lame way to leave it, but don't worry. Dean will tell Cas he loves him soon! I'll work on the next chapter tomorrow :)


	21. Intrusive Thoughts (I love you too)

"Isn't it amazing...how a regular knife can cause so much damage?"

The next day, Dean was examining Cas's wounds to make sure they were healing properly. "Dude, we keep our hunting knives razor sharp. It's really not that surprising."

"I know...but when I was an angel, I wouldn't even bleed unless the injury was from an angel blade. Humans are so fragile." He said wistfully.

"Yeah," Dean shrugged, wrapping the wounds with fresh bandages. "Which is why you've gotta be careful."

Cas just shrugged.

* * *

The day went on, and Dean forgot all about that conversation. Until later, when they were in the kitchen.

"What do you want to eat?" He was rummaging through cupboards. He heard a soft noise, and turned to look behind him. His eyes widened, and anxiety skyrocketed.

Cas was holding a knife. Just staring at it with a curious expression on his face.

It wasn't a hunting blade, but a regular kitchen knife.

"What the hell?" Dean carefully took it from Cas's hands.

"I could stab myself with that." He said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, or you could **_not_**!"

"I wasn't going to." Cas looked offended. "But I _could._ "

Dean felt increasingly uneasy. "Yeah, I guess. What's your point. Why are you even thinking about that?"

"I could plunge it into my heart, and it would stop beating. I could draw it across an artery and I would bleed out in seconds. I could even cut my hand off if I really wanted to."

"Cas, what the fuck!" All the color had drained from Dean's face, and he looked slightly sick.

"I'm simply making an observation."

"Yeah, a morbid, disturbing one." Dean suddenly had the urge to get Cas away from all sharp and otherwise dangerous objects. "Come on." He practically dragged the angel from the kitchen into his own room. (Where they had removed anything that could be used to hurt himself)

"Dean, are you alright?" Ironically, Cas was looking at him with concern.

"Not really, no! Jesus, man...why are you thinking about that sort of thing? Are you having suicidal thoughts again?" He bit his lip nervously.

"No more than usual." Cas shrugged. "It's just interesting; how little force it would take to end my life now that I'm human."

Dean didn't know what to say. He let one of his hands wander up to touch Cas's face. "I don't want you thinking about that shit." He said softly.

Cas leaned into the touch. "Your hands are warm." He mumbled.

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not. I'm just-"

"Making another observation, I know."

"I'm sorry I upset you again. I seem to do that a lot."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, well...when you're talking about brutally murdering yourself in front of me, can you see why that freaks me out?"

"Yes." Cas looked down. "I'm sorry. But I cannot stop these thoughts from entering my mind." He confessed.

"I guess I should be glad you're telling me instead of acting on them. It's a start."

"I suppose."

Dean gently stroked his cheek with his thumb, and leaned in. "I can't lose you." He whispered.

Cas felt his breath hitch as the hunter's mouth met his. A gentle, chaste kiss.

It was hard to say who pulled away first.

Dean looked into those electric blue eyes, and was hit with a feeling of overwhelming devotion. He'd do anything for Cas. He really would. The guy had literally pulled him out of Hell. Been by his side for years. Saved his life more times that he could count.

"I love you." He blurted out.

Cas blinked, surprise turning into a joyful smile as he realized the significance of this moment. "I love you too."

Another kiss. This one deeper. Dean let his arms circle Cas's waist, drawing him closer. Lips parted slightly, allowing entrance for wandering tongues. Breathless gasps encouraging _more._ Right hand tangled in the hunter's hair; left hand touching his face, stroking his scruff.

So much emotion. So much _feeling_. Cas was alight with sensations he'd never experienced before.

He came up for air, grinning like an idiot.

_Dean Winchester loved him._


End file.
